October 19, 2009

Who Knew?

I did not think that this blog would be so neglected as time went on, but I think it might be the nature of most blogs, destined to die out and live only in the annals of history. Hopefully FOREVERKINS had the chance to make it to at least one annal of history - that of awesomeness.

For the three of us writers, we've been away enjoying the fruits of lives filled with other distracting joys, which include reading other blogs, updating our facebook accounts with meaningless jabber, working on things we don't care about, watching bloodsport, avoiding cleaning, table tennis, listening to midi's, and other things. Good for you that you don't plan on reading this blog, and, in fact, you are not even doing so now. You are just going from image to image and this is understandable.

In history, much has happened that has not happened, but we will get to that later when we have the time to remember to get back to figuring out what did happen so we can write about what didn't happen. In this oath lies the truth of our journey.

That's right: WE ARE HIGHLANDERS - All of us! You figured it out, and therefore get a merit badge!

"There will only be one", as they say, as I say, and I'm pretty sure that will be me since I'm the only one smart enough to wear turtlenecks with titanium-bracing, ensuring my head stays where I want it. It's also super stylish!

Anyways, hope all is well. Stay in touch!


September 23, 2009


Today is the 120th birthday of Nintendo, a company founded in 1889 by a couple of down in the dumps plumber brothers. When Mario, the older but shorter and more round brother, lost his girlfriend during a drinking binge, he decided to get her back. He ate a mushroom for protein and set out, punching bricks and stomping bugs and small animals along the way. His younger (but taller) brother Luigi came running behind, trying to prevent Mario from causing any damage that would put the brothers in the poorhouse. Mario punched a brick, and when it burst open there was a gold coin inside. He showed this to a local merchant, who offered to trade it for a golden star. Mario ate the golden star and felt invincible. He started running around like a maniac, humming songs without lyrics, until he finally collapsed and died from the star that he had eaten.

Luigi dedicated the company in his honor. Since there were no TVs or video games back then, Luigi sat in his basement and invented them. Today, Luigi is 157 years old.

September 21, 2009

A funny thing happened on the way to lazy...

Howdy cadets! Today is September 22, 2009, which means that it is the first day of fall and the last day of wearing a snorkel and swim shorts to class. This is also the day, 3 years ago, that the nation of bleach-safe colors decided to retire the F-14 Tomcat, a fine jet plane whose wings tucked in towards the body and whose die-cast metal version tasted very metallic.

The F-14's retirement, like most, occurred 3 days before retirement in a bloody shoot out with the Colombians that drove our angered hero to get out there and keep the plot moving, shirtless and shining.

The F-14's retirement, like most, was spurred by its decision to stop trying to compete with a newer TomKat, one formed by the combination of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (whose wings tuck in towards their bodies, and whose die-cast version taste very metallic).

Speaking of laziness, what's the deal, right us? I think it's time for internet blog boot camp for the likes of Dylan, Aaron, and I, amiright?

September 15, 2009

Today is another day

Posts have been rare because we've been busy. You love the suspense, I know.

Emerson did laundry and house chores, Dylan ate two whole subway footlong sandwiches in one sitting, and I sat in my apartment looking out the window a lot. When I say busy, I mean busy!

Today is Sept. 15, 2009, which means I turned 28 nine days ago. That's all the wonderful history you get for today!

Here's a song I've enjoyed for a while:

August 24, 2009


In the summer of 2009 I decided to develop a stutter. I surprised my mom with it first, unveiling it in the very first text message I ever sent her ("i fee-fee-fee-feel like chi-chi-chi-chicken tonight, li-li-li-"), and then performing it through an entire dinner that she spent clenching her teeth tightly and scraping her fork against her plate. When I was washing the dishes later I saw that she had scraped the words "idiot son" into her plate. Success!

A few days later I sent my boss an email asking for a private meeting. He replied with "anytime" and so I marched over, closed the door behind me, and sat down. "What can i do for you?" he asked politely. "Weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-well..." I began, and smiled to show relief when I finally got the word out. He smiled nervously back. "Weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-well, suh-suh-suh-sir..." I continued, and again paused to smile with false relief. "I be-beh-beh-believe that I ha-ha-have been do-dooooo-do-dooooo..."

"Doing?" my boss offered. I smiled. I opened my mouth to start again, and he stopped me. "What do you want? A raise? You have been doing a good job. A raise it is. Yes, a raise. Three percent?"

"Weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-weh..." I started.

"Five percent!" he said, and he looked at the door to his office with a look that said "escape is so close, yet so far away..."

I smiled, then concentrated: "Weh-weh-weh-weh..."

"Ten percent!" he shouted gleefully, and here he jumped up, shook my hand, mumbled something about coffee and clients and meetings, and ran out of his office. Success!

Read more about my stuttered adventures this fall when my self-help book, "Stutter Your Way to Success" is released. It's sure to be a real home run!

August 18, 2009

Damn Straight

You never know who's going to get you in the dark, when no one is looking but the moon and the trees and the earth below. It could be the devil, or it could be Pete Rose. It could be a little cat with long arms or a ghost with low self-esteem. All could be silent at this moment, but all will not be still. Take heed knowing that I know your name and your story, or don't.

On this day in history - August 18 - someone, somewhere, was abducted by aliens or Pete Rose. No one knows for sure, except Pete Rose. It is sad to think that someone is sitting in a basement (alien or Pete Rosian) without hope. By pointing this out, I've assuredly informed a necessary fear we all must have when walking alone at night.

Don't think it can't happen? It will happen, every August 18th, forever. When Pete Rose dies, the aliens will take over, and when the aliens die, Pete Rose's ghost will start it up. This is no laughing matter. I mean, I am kind of laughing, but I shouldn't be. I'm actually laughing at something unrelated. Back on track, I could be next for all I know; Next in line to lose it all! Hey, don't say I didn't warn you. You're all going to die one day. Might as well not think that day is far away. Might as well embrace the ghost of Pete Rose, the living, breathing Pete Rose and the intention of an anthropomorphic alien that wants to abduct you.

August 13, 2009


If sleep was a video game it would be broken down into difficulty settings which would be given clever names to demonstrate the user's skill level who would be able to accomplish sleep at that skill level. The first would be easy: "Captain Catnaps". At this setting the user is given a soft bed in a dark room in a quiet neighborhood. The air would be mild, and the user would be given adequate time to leak the lizard before setting down. As the round progresses, slight things might occur in an attempt to stir the sleeper, but nothing too major.

The next level of difficulty would be medium: "Sergeant Snores". Here, the room isn't as dark, cars pass occasionally, and the air is just a little bit too warm. Sometimes through the night a pet dog might come in, investigate the sleeper, then leave. A neighbors TV can be heard quietly through the wall. Navigate your way to victory, sleeper!

The hard level would be "Rip Van Winkle". Here, the user is required to sleep in a room with a buzzing neon sign shining in to a room too hot while roommates watch and cheer sports and randomly come in and out of the front door, slamming it each time, shaking the whole house each time, calling to each other from one side of the house to the other to bring more beer, then maybe engage in noise contests. Occasionally a round of karaoke might break out. The sleeper does not have access to any weapons.

Cheat mode would be called "Ambien". Using cheats, sleeper can unlock a difficulty mode that maybe .01% of participants will be able to beat: "Coma".

What difficulty level do you sleep at?

August 8, 2009

Internet Magic

Sometimes the internet is like a giant Easter Egg Hunt. Not in that romanticized way that you see on TV when they show that White House version with little girls in white dresses on well manicured lawns finding brightly colored eggs, I'm talking about the kind normal kids have. You know the type, running about the dirtiest corners of your backyard trying to find grey-brown splotchy eggs that you made the night before trying to create a rainbow by dipping the egg into all the colors. The greatest discovery you make is usually nothing to do with Easter. It may be an old toy, a rusted piece of silverware, dried animal scat, or maybe even one of last years eggs and an odor that 16 years of huffing metallic paint won't chase away the memory of. Sometimes though, you find a lost treasure, something long forgotten and magical. Well, today I asked the internet for an image of a Sloe Gin Fizz cocktail, and it gave me this :

August 4, 2009

All Quiet on the Western Front

August 4th, 1993: A federal judge sentences LAPD officers Stacey Koon and Laurence Powell to 30 months in prison for violating motorist Rodney King's civil rights, a decision which doesn't upset anybody very much.

July 22, 2009

Fresh on the Wire: Man Loops Earth in Record Time!

July 22, 1933: American Adventureman Wiley Post has done it, ladies and gentleman, he has circled the earth in record time, on his own accord with no company but the heat from the skies and the cold moisture from the ocean below! Dear Icarus, we have a winner! This American bandit stole the hearts of all the young lassies waiting for his landing and sold them to the commies, then took the hearts back purely out of greed and kept the cash, indeed he did! Wiley Post, you are a true American hero!

July 21, 2009

Fake Out

It's been twenty years since Milli Vanilli broke the hearts of the world when they revealed that they were not the ones singing on their album, a conclusion some may have come to when they first heard them speak and realized they couldn't pronounce a single English word. Now listen, that first Milli Vanilli album is totally awesome, whoever sang it. I don't care if it was sung by The New York Differently-abled C. Thomas Howell Impersonators Choir, I love it. Nowadays we have pop stars who can't sing, but they just autotune the hell out of their voices. We know they don't write their own music or play any instruments, the only difference was the people behind Milli Vanilli could actually sing. I guess my point is this, all current pop music is awful and must be stopped, or Milli Vanilli should be revered as gods.

July 20, 2009

Here's the thing...

As all Christian nations know, God gathered all the leaders of Christian countries together and said "guess what, here's the thing: whoever touches the most things, that's who I'll love!" So these nations sent out their best explorers to go out and touch all types of shit, like mountain tops, billy goats, ocean floors, you name it! But when they gathered again, God was all "looks like these motherfuckers got themselves a tie!" So America sent out spies and Russia and Britain too, they all sent out these spies to figure out what the other countries had already touched, and if there was anything else on earth that they could touch that would give them the advantage. Well, guess what? There wasn't shit. But JFK, he was too smart for the rest of them. "We're going to touch something that ain't no other player anywhere else has touched, by god. We're going to touch the god damn moon."

It's only too sad that he wasn't alive to see it, but he was probably up there with the angels giving high-fives when on June 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong told Houston "this is some steps, y'all! Not even just for this man, but also for mankind!" What he didn't realize though, is that it was for Americankind, because from then on God told those other countries to fuck off and gave America all of His almighty love.

And that's the truth.

July 15, 2009

It don't mean butt if it ain't got that jutt!

June 15, 1752: Ben Franklin (BFF or "Ben Franklin Forever" to his friends) proves that lightning is actually electricity.  On the same day he dribble-drived to produce an illegitimate son, drove to the basket by inventing bifocals and threw in the franklin stove for the slam dunk.  He is quoted as saying the next day, "It don't mean butt if it ain't got that jutt", in reference to his gunboats, which he'd show off daily at mass and in public restrooms.

July 14, 2009

Nucular... it's pronounced Nucular...

The first US nuclear meltdown occured July 14, 1959 in an unincorporated area of Ventura County, in-between Simi Valley and Chatsworth. A local reactor experienced a power surge, causing it to overreact and blow it's top, then slowly melt down like an out of work actress coming to terms with her failed career, giving everybody around her cancer. Yes, it melted down like a piece of chocolate set down in the middle of the desert on the hottest day of the year, contaminating everything in a 3 mile radius. Melted down, yes yes, like an unincorporated writer jabbering on about nonsense and somesense, causing the nearby plantlife to glow ominously, like ghosts. Like me. Please like me!

July 10, 2009

Hottest Day in US History!

July 10, 1913, Death Valley hits 134 (degrees button) Fahrenheit, setting the record for the hottest day in recorded US weather record keeping history. "Why, that's hot enough to cook an egg!" says good old Pete. "I'll bet you it ain't!" says Pete back to himself. "You're on!" Right hand shakes left hand and he goes to grab a metal bowl. He sets the bowl in the middle of the heat, right down in the thick of it, and he breaks the egg and pours it in. In his left hand, he holds a fork. In his right hand, a knife. Around his neck a bib is tied, and he licks his chops in hunger and anticipation. "You're a fool for taking this bet," he says, unsure of which argument he says it for. The sun beats down. The bowl gets hotter, and the egg shows signs of cooking. "Son of a bitch!" he cries, upset and ecstatic to win and lose the bet, and he jumps up and runs in a single circle, then passes out from heat exhaustion.

Dedicated to Good Old Pete.

July 8, 2009

Roswell, let's put you on the map!

July 8, 1947, radios around the world broadcast the exciting news that a UFO has been discovered in Roswell, leading to an immediate response from Egyptian radio saying, "bullshit, Ra didn't have a well, and besides, it would be retarded for anybody to fly any object, identified or not, inside of a well," leading to another immediate response from American radio saying "no you idiot, Roswell, a small city in New Mexico which from this point forward will gain a tourist industry consisting primarily of Art Bell's audience, who is Art Bell? you'll soon find out, thank you, but we understand your confusion, ha ha, ha." The thing about UFOs is that any drunk will tell you that anything can be unidentified as long as you don't know what it is. No, LISTEN, think about it! What if I built a hot air balloon and painted a giant melty face on it, NO, a giant melty MONKEY face on it, then what would you think? Would you know what it is?

oh yeah, I belatedly apologize in advance for the laziness of our blog, mostlyneverkins... we'll try to get caught up sooner than later and the world can be nice and warm and snuggly again until 2012, when the sky starts falling.

July 6, 2009

50 Cent gets born!

50 Cent was born July 6, 1975. With inflation, that would make him 97 Cent today. Happy birthday, shorty! Now drink some Bacardi!

July 4, 2009

Three Frames

Today, July 4th, 2009, I just discovered the website "Three Frames" from a facebook posting (thanks Rob).  I love this website.  This isn't really a historical fact, but you don't care, do you? No you don't!  Here are some of my favorites:

Saturday, In the Park...

I think it was the fourth of July...

July 2, 2009


The first Walmart opened July 2nd, 1962, which also happens to be the middle day of the year, now you know. People lined up overnight in high hopes that finally all of their wall needs would be answered, only to discover that the "wal" in the name referred to the founder's last name, Sam Walton, and not to the overwhelming need for a store that only sold various types of walls ("from dry to brick, we got your pick!"). Some of the crowd started to leave in an orderly fashion, but then an atheist anarchist pro-life democrat (we can only assume) shouted "fuck it, let's riot!" So they rushed in, tore out the walls and carried them away, unsure of where to put them (these were not the walls they were looking for). Clever old Sam quickly rushed around saying, "why don't you pay to store them over here at my storage space?" (which was secretly his store). So the people paid, and the walls went back where they were torn from, and a group of hard-working Americans got the store back in shape and it went on to be the biggest thing since my mother in law (hey-ohhh!!). Please shop there.

Foreverkins is brought to you by Wall Mart.

June 30, 2009

"old enough to fight, old enough to vote"

June 30, 1971 - Ohio ratified the 26th Amendment, officially dropping the voting age to 18. The vietnam war and it's heavily unsupported draft brings about this change amidst cries of "old enough to fight, old enough to vote!". The idea is that if you're old enough to get sent overseas to die, you should be old enough to weigh in on the decisions leading there. It's still sort of a raw deal though, if you think about it. How many of us actually get a chance to vote as soon as we turn 18? Only those born around late October or early November in any year that falls 2 years before (or after) a leap year. Those few might get a chance to punch ballots before they get sent off to die, or worse (kill?), but I know that if I was in that position I wouldn't feel any sense of relief knowing that I was allowed to cast a vote before I got put overseas to fight in a war that I didn't believe in (which is no war, to be fair). I personally believe that the draft should never be enacted unless it's required to defend the country, but never ever to attack another country, or to get involved with a war that isn't our business.

June 29, 2009

Travalena Man

Fred Travalena has joined the ranks of the deceased this week, after a bout with cancer. For those who don't remember, Fred Travalena was the host of the 80's show "Anything For Money" where people get bribed to humiliate themselves for some cash. God bless the mystery of America. He also was a voice for many cartoons including The Smurfs and Shirt Tales. He hosted celebrity roasts and did impressions. So on this refreshing and lovely Summers eve, pour a little out for old Fred.

June 28, 2009

No Sham-Way!

This morning an orange glow left Billy Mays' oxycotin clean body, delivered to the mighty putty in the sky with no additional shipping or handling.

I am a huge Billy Mays fan and was really really sad to hear this news. I hope that if I'm ever in a drastic enough position to be visited by some sort of spirit guide to get my life back in order that it's Billy Mays with his yelling voice and expressive hand movements who comes to get me back in action. I'll let Billy finish this post on his own:

June 26, 2009

The Coney Island Cyclone - Let's Make a Metaphor!

The Coney Island Cyclone opened June 26, 1927, and New York City businessmen wearing suits and carrying briefcases lined up immediately. The businessmen paid their 25 cents and climbed aboard, unfolded their newspapers, lit their tobacco, and crossed their legs, checking their pocketwatches frequently to make sure they weren't running late for another busy day at the markets. The cars left the station, climbing a steep grade. Several men folded their newspapers to the next page, noticing the view as they did so and commenting on how absolutely marvelous it was. Then the car peaked, and swooped downhill. The businessmen did their best to hold the newspapers in place, smoke their pipes, and hold discussions on how marvelous everything was going as the cars made tight turns, shot up and swooped down and finally coasted back into the station, where the brakes slowed the coaster and brought it to a stop.

The businessmen folded up their papers and tucked them under their arms as they climbed out, disoriented by the ride, but more notably confused that the coaster had unmistakably brought them back to the same station they took off from. "Why, this isn't my stop!" declared one man, which brought the matter to the full attention of all the other men. "Perhaps we need to find one going the other direction!" said another man, and they all followed him to the Thunderbolt. Again, they climbed aboard, lit their tobacco and unfolded their newspapers, crossed their legs as the cars left the station, only to find themselves in the same place as they had left. "Wrong direction, wrong direction!" yelled the businessmen, and they hustled back to the Cyclone, checking their watches and tucking their newspapers under their arms.

They went back and forth like this for quite a while, until finally, on October 29, 1929, the Stock Market crashed and the businessmen lost their jobs. And that was the start of the Great Depression. Coincidence? I don't think so.

June 24, 2009

Dance Sucka, Dance!

June 24, 1374: Citizens in the streets of Germany start dancing uncontrollably, hallucinating, twitching, and jumping about like wild savages until finally collapsing from exhaustion. Dancing Mania has struck again! Science has no clue as to why this is happening. Some modern theorists say a basic form of LSD was responsible, but modern anti-theorists say "no way, Jose, LSD doesn't cause uncontrollable dancing". My theory is that Bill and Ted stopped by during one of their time travel adventures and rocked the town so hard that they couldn't stop dancing until their faces were pressed against cold gravel, their bodies too exhausted to even pee their own pants. What do you think happened?

June 23, 2009

Heeeere's St. Peter!

Today, Ed McMahon died. He was most famous for being the old guy on the Cash 4 Gold commercials. Now he is in Heaven announcing people as they arrive. When Jack Nicholson dies, it would make me so happy if he was there waiting with a hearty "Heeeeeere's Johnny!". That is of course as long as he didn't end up in that other place.

June 22, 2009

How About It, Science?

Hey Science, how about a strip of land 2 miles wide and 12,000 miles long that is suspended up 20,000 feet above the earth's surface, which moves with the placement of the sun, allowing all of the areas of the strip to always experience the same time of day? People could purchase pieces of land dependent on what their favorite part of the day is and build pools in the middle, where the sun is always up-top center, or large wooden porches towards either end, where the sun is always either rising or setting. There would be defensive missile pods for the times when the strip moves over hostile nations down on boring old earth, and there would be constant streams of transport to bring food and other goods back and forth between the strip (where vegetables could flourish in areas where science knows best) and boring olde earth down below. Elimination would be easy: dump it in the ocean! Fresh water would be easy too: control the weather! Make a part of the strip always rainy so people from boring old Seattle could be happy and play their grunge music and provide the rest of us with fresh water! As for me, I'll be living somewhere between 4pm and 5pm, but I'll have houses at Sunset and Noon as well, for when I want to go swimming (noon), or kick back with a romantic glass of Don Chemile's Romantic Wine (sunset). Also, as the inventor of this strip, I will have girlfriends in every part of the day, from dawn to dusk, and i will sleep in their beds and couches. Get to it, Science.

June 21, 2009

We have a Winger!

Kip Winger, from the band Winger on the album Winger sang a song called Seventeen. The song had lyrics about how a 17 year old fit him like a glove and and how “daddy” says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for him. When he wasn’t singing songs about statutory rape, he mainly focused on the grooming of his hair. He would take like 4 hours to hairspray his hair up, once he even trained some spider-monkeys to work on scaffolding he had erected around his head just to get an extra couple of inches(too bad it wasn’t rats trained to rat his hair, it would have been so damn literal.). His clothes were perfectly torn so he always had one peek-a-boo nipple, which was way cool, but not as cool as the Ratt song “Way Cool Junior”.
Happy birthday you deliriously pretty and hairy man.

June 20, 2009

Ain't No Fountain of Slime Youth!

Nickelodeon Slime has been linked to eventual death, experts say, in a report which also listed Teddy Ruxpins, cassingles, and Jr. High School as other definite links to human beings' eventual demise. The report states that 100% of people slimed on popular Nickelodeon shows such as Double Dare, You Can't Do That on Television, Finders Keepers, and Family Double Dare will eventually lose their ability to continue living and will have to relocate their body to either a grave, an urn, or a rocking chair in a spooky attic with a window facing the street. At least one man, a Mr. Hubert T Higgins of Cattleprod Lane, was disappointed to learn that the slime did not grant everlasting life.

June 18, 2009

Thanks For The War, Thanks For The Music

Take a chance on me to tell you the story of June 18th 1815 and the end of the Battle of Waterloo. Napoleon was a small man but he was a super Trooper. He rode around on a horse named Fernando and always had his hand in his coat. What was he hiding? A sock puppet? Money, Money, Money? A Chiquitita Banana? Nope, it was a boomerang, and he would ride around saying “Voulez-Vous avec boomerang?”. He wouldn’t even wait to hear the answer before out of the blue “Bang!”, a boomerang would hit you upside the head. When Napoleon first met Queen Victoria he pulled his little trick on her. The pain sent her hopping about the room and all Napoleon did was point and laugh “look at the dancing Queen!”. This made Victoria angry who challenged the small man to a winner takes it all battle, and the name of the game was war. There were many times the Queen wanted to give up and send out an S.O.S. when she was under attack, but she didn’t give in. The war went on and on and on until finally, Napoleon was knocked head over heels. He tried to plead with the Queen to let him go by saying “Gimme gimme gimme a chance!” and staring at her with his angel eyes, but she threw him in jail to rot.

So long Napoleon, and Abba nice day.

June 17, 2009

Part of This Complete Breakfast

On June 17, 1994 Al Cowlings led police on the world's slowest televised chase because he didn't want to spill his glass of OJ all over the back of his white bronco. He was on the run from the coppers because of a deal gone bad with the Cash for Gold Man who tried to sell him a brown nickel(crazier things have happened!). Magic carpets flew overhead capturing everything for the world to see with their NASCAR numbered video cameras while the citizens watched at home breathlessly waiting to see if the glass of OJ would spill itself over or not. Eventually, Al Cowlings steered his white steer into the barn where he first picked up the glass of OJ and the orange citizens of the world were happy that the glass of OJ hadn't spilled over but a lot of the other people wanted to see that OJ spilled out for breaking the wooden nickel in half, and for stabbing the Cash for Gold Man about a thousand times. Swear to god.

June 16, 2009

Bad People do Bad Things

June 16, 1967: Ike Turner was probably beating Tina Turner on this day. He just liked beat-downs.

Who's Bad?

June 15, 2009

You Say Potato, Dan Says “You’re Doing It Wrong!”

1992, Trenton New Jersey, Dan Quayle set loose his love for the letter E by insisting a young spelling bee competitor put one on the end of Potato. For those of you out there who chose to drop lots of acid and listen to 4 Non-Blondes records over and over again in the 90’s (Kudos to you BTW), Dan Quayle was the Vice President under the elder Bush. Dan’s greatest gift as Vice President was adding the letter E to a bunch of words that felt naked without one. Cantaloup became Cantaloupe, ntr became entrĂ©e (← Dumb Joke!), and Potato became another great reason to mock our political leaders.

Thanks Danny, you fixed our language!

June 14, 2009

Stars and Bars and eating Cars on Planet Mars where the People Meet

Today is Flag Day, a day where you can put your little American flag in your front lawn and watch from the blinds to see who walks past without saluting it, marking their names down in a yellow legal pad used to research potential commies. See that kid who just spit his gum down on the sidewalk, and then the gum bounced and landed right next to the flag? Use your pink highlighter to color him in and then draw a thick arrow to the top of the list, where he belongs. See that woman carrying her heavy groceries past, see how she stops right by the flag to readjust her hold on those heavy bags, and she steps over and the heel of her shoe brushes just barely past the flagpole? Pink highlighter, thick arrow to the very top. Some people say that it isn't unpatriotic not to salute the flag every single time you walk past it, and all of those people deserve to be on your list. Don't be shy. When you finish a page, tear it out and tape it to your front door. Let them know you're watching. Some of them might not notice your binoculars that tap against the glass in your front window as they walk past. Some of them might not have read your opinion columns the local commie paper ran for a few days under the threat that you would label them "commie" if they didn't run it. Well, they ran it, but a true American newspaper wouldn't have even considered to start rejecting your opinion columns when they started to get "too long and pointless and accusatory, and the Mayor doesn't drink newborn blood, that's just ridiculous."

Sure, real ridiculous, Russia

So go out and celebrate Flag Day by putting a flag in your front yard and then hiding in your dark living room, put on some Bruce Springsteen and set down an 18-pack of some American small boys nearby, empty out that urine bucket first, this is going to take up all your time and you can't afford to let those commies walk past your house unnoticed, America can't afford it, it's just what the terrorists are waiting for so come on, get out there and celebrate Flag Day like a real god damned American!!!

June 13, 2009

Lakes, Streams, and RIVERS!

Do I like lakes? Sure I do! How about Streams? You Better believe it! What do you say of Rivers? Well, if you're talking about rivers as water-ways similar, but larger than, streams, then I love them dearly. If you are talking about Rivers Cuomo, the lead guitarist and singer of Weezer, I only liked him on the Blue album and Pinkerton. Since then, I have always disliked him for continuing to make music as Weezer that sucks in comparison.

He happened to be born today, June 13, 1970, making him 39 years old. That's too old to be playing power-pop music because it just is. Say it IS so that Weezer will call it quits soon. If you are in Weezer and happen to read this, sorry if that was too harsh. I'm not saying you should break up and not speak to each other ever again. Rather, you all should get some chai tea and have a good calm talk by a warm fire and collectively decide to end the project for the sake of new ideas that happen to also be good ideas. Love (only during the first two albums), me.

June 12, 2009

Mamma-Mia, Pappa-Pia, Anne wrote a Diary-uh!

Happy Birthday Anne Frank! Anne Frank, who turned 13 on June 12th, 1942 was given for her birthday one pony, six Holly Hobby Easy Bake ovens, and a blank diary. She got pretty steamed about the whole diary thing and took all of her loot into the attic of her house. She would clomp around on ponyback eating fancy cakes cooked under the power of a lightbulb, but Hitler lived downstairs and he hated ponies and cakes. One day Hitler finally snapped and took her pony and cake makers away from her and she was all like, “dude, you are such a Nazi!”. All Anne had left to survive on was her diary so she decided to write a story about how she was a demure princess and lived in a magic castle with a hunky prince who looked just like Ryan Reynolds. Unfortunately little Anne wasn’t so creative, so instead she just wrote about what a jerkface Hitler was. Boy, was she right about that guy. It was so true in fact that afterward people started saying “Can’t we be Anne Frank about this situation” which was later shortened to “Let’s be Frank”.

June 11, 2009



June 11, 1962, 3 Alcatraz inmates get a little homesick and decide to set themselves free. Months of careful planning allow them to climb onto the roof, climb over a fence, stick their feet in the water of the San Francisco bay and set sail for Angel Island, presumably drowning in the process. Freedom! Followed by... eternal freedomnation?

The three men were Clarence Anglin, John Anglin, and Frank Lee Morris. One might say that the two brothers, sharing the last name Anglin, might try to convince a third partner in such a crime to start calling them The Fisherman Brothers, but quite frankly Morris couldn't give half a damn about any of society's so-called nicknames. He just wanted to escape, which is why when they made a movie version of his real life antics, he was played by Clint Eastwood.


Frank, the two brothers, and a fourth man named Allen West set to escaping earlier that year when they discovered an unguarded utility corridor behind the wall of their cells. Using tools manufactured in the prison, such as a metal spoon soldered with silver from a dime ("dime silver", as my grandpappy called it), an electric drill built using a stolen vacuum cleaner motor, and plain old prisoner gusto, the four men cut the moisture damaged concrete from around an air vent leading into the corridor. They covered up the noise with accordions played during music hour and concealed the cutting with false walls which were hard to notice in the dark recesses of the cells. Down the corridor was a fan vent which the fan and motor had been removed from, replaced by a steel grille. The prisoners removed the rivets from the grille and substituted dummy rivets made of soap. Everything was going according to plan.


On June 11, the prisoners stole raincoats to use as a raft (which explains their presumed drowning), left papier mache mannequins in their cell, and made a break for it. Allen West, whose false wall had repeatedly slipped free prior to the escape attempt, had reattached it using cement and was now unable to remove it, so he got left behind, standing awkwardly with one arm over his papier mache mannequin friend when the guards made their rounds. "Heeeeey, guys..." he said, "just hanging out here with my good friend Collin... East..." The guards pulled him out of the cell and made him watch while they tortured his mannequin. He quickly and tearfully spilled everything and led the guards to Angel Island, where they were planning to land after leaving Alcatraz. There they discovered tattered remains of the raft and plywood paddles, leading them to believe that the prisoners had drowned.

Upon returning to Alcatraz, Allen West was given a job, along with everybody else, writing for the prison newspaper, The Weekend.

June 10, 2009

Gershon with your bad self!

June 10, 1962: Gina Gershon is born and begins preparing in her butch lesbian role in Bound with Jennifer Tilly. I know nothing else of her career and I'm fine with that. Are you fine with that? Happy Birthday Gersh!

June 9, 2009

Hold that tiger...

Piping hot history will be out of the oven shortly.

June 8, 2009


June 8, 1984 marks the release of a great and wonderful movie starring many great and wonderful actors, a movie by the name of Ghostbusters which told the story of a gigantic marshmallow and his 15 minutes of fame.

Ghostbusters was inspired by the detective work of Pac Man and Ms Pac Man (who later got all hopped up on goofballs and went on a pellet swallowing killing spree, eating everything but the eyeballs of local bully spirits who tried to give the yellow circles a hard time when they were just out to bust some crims and eat some randomly apparating pieces of fruit).

Pac Man was inspired by these four bug eyes farmers who owned a big plot of land that they planted their seeds in, and the battles they fought with this crazy critter who would come along and eat the seeds before they had a chance to sprout. The farmers, all of them brothers by the last name of Gaust, set up their humble little rectangle of a house right in the middle of it all, and when they would hear that critter come along chomping at the seeds they'd run out to try and get him. Sometimes they would get the critter before he got all their seeds, and when that happened another little critter would suddenly appear going after those same damn seeds. It is believed that the critters traveled in groups of 3, because usually after they killed the third one that would be it, no more of those critters for the season and the farmers could put the seeds back down and grow their crops.

When one of the critters would manage to eat all of the seeds before the farmers could kill them all, the farmers would meet back in the house and figure out a better, more complicated formation of ditches to make it harder for the critter to eat the seeds. Then the critter would come back and the farmers would set to their hunting of the critters all over again, usually moving faster and more irate.

Then there was this poison the farmers placed at each corner of the crops which was supposed to kill the critter dead, but what ended up happening was the critters would suddenly become very strong and attack the farmers instead, knocking them down into the mud and sending them back to the house to wash off, moving like a black muddy shape with only those bug eyes visible.

This really doesn't have much to do with the story of Ghostbusters, but it was an interesting topic that I thought I'd explore for a moment.

Well, if you've had a dose of a freaky ghost, you'd better call Ghostbusters! Ow!

June 7, 2009

A Prince is Born

June 7th, 1958: A mother gives birth to a son and wraps him in a purple velvet blanket, with white chiffon trim.  Awkwardly, the child is born with a John Waters-esque mustache, intense sexuality, and eccentric interest in panache and fashion.  

Prince Rogers Nelson was nicknamed "skipper" as a young boy in Minneapolis, MN.  As a young funk artist, he leaned towards ostentatious fashion, gimmicks, and an interest in outrageous, often shocking expression.  These were all tricks of bands like Sly and the Family Stone, Parliment, James Brown, et al.  These bands taught Prince how to boogie.  

Eventually, Prince got older and bolder (just like his father), and became really popular when he started playing shows with his band "The Revolution", who (dig, if you will, the picture) were all Honduran gorillas looking to overthrow the Fascist powers that be.  However, instead of guns and political rhetoric, they were armed with funky costumes and love guns.  

Finally, cloud guitars turned Prince into more than words could describe - a symbol.  The magic in the cloud guitar was not known to those who created it (warlocks).  All who use the instrument become more than words can describe and eventually lose touch with reality. Currently, Prince resides in Minneapolis and loves basketball.