Nucular... it's pronounced Nucular...

The first US nuclear meltdown occured July 14, 1959 in an unincorporated area of Ventura County, in-between Simi Valley and Chatsworth. A local reactor experienced a power surge, causing it to overreact and blow it's top, then slowly melt down like an out of work actress coming to terms with her failed career, giving everybody around her cancer. Yes, it melted down like a piece of chocolate set down in the middle of the desert on the hottest day of the year, contaminating everything in a 3 mile radius. Melted down, yes yes, like an unincorporated writer jabbering on about nonsense and somesense, causing the nearby plantlife to glow ominously, like ghosts. Like me. Please like me!

Hottest Day in US History!

July 10, 1913, Death Valley hits 134 (degrees button) Fahrenheit, setting the record for the hottest day in recorded US weather record keeping history. "Why, that's hot enough to cook an egg!" says good old Pete. "I'll bet you it ain't!" says Pete back to himself. "You're on!" Right hand shakes left hand and he goes to grab a metal bowl. He sets the bowl in the middle of the heat, right down in the thick of it, and he breaks the egg and pours it in. In his left hand, he holds a fork. In his right hand, a knife. Around his neck a bib is tied, and he licks his chops in hunger and anticipation. "You're a fool for taking this bet," he says, unsure of which argument he says it for. The sun beats down. The bowl gets hotter, and the egg shows signs of cooking. "Son of a bitch!" he cries, upset and ecstatic to win and lose the bet, and he jumps up and runs in a single circle, then passes out from heat exhaustion.

Dedicated to Good Old Pete.

Roswell, let's put you on the map!

July 8, 1947, radios around the world broadcast the exciting news that a UFO has been discovered in Roswell, leading to an immediate response from Egyptian radio saying, "bullshit, Ra didn't have a well, and besides, it would be retarded for anybody to fly any object, identified or not, inside of a well," leading to another immediate response from American radio saying "no you idiot, Roswell, a small city in New Mexico which from this point forward will gain a tourist industry consisting primarily of Art Bell's audience, who is Art Bell? you'll soon find out, thank you, but we understand your confusion, ha ha, ha." The thing about UFOs is that any drunk will tell you that anything can be unidentified as long as you don't know what it is. No, LISTEN, think about it! What if I built a hot air balloon and painted a giant melty face on it, NO, a giant melty MONKEY face on it, then what would you think? Would you know what it is?

oh yeah, I belatedly apologize in advance for the laziness of our blog, mostlyneverkins... we'll try to get caught up sooner than later and the world can be nice and warm and snuggly again until 2012, when the sky starts falling.

50 Cent gets born!

50 Cent was born July 6, 1975. With inflation, that would make him 97 Cent today. Happy birthday, shorty! Now drink some Bacardi!

Three Frames

Today, July 4th, 2009, I just discovered the website "Three Frames" from a facebook posting (thanks Rob).  I love this website.  This isn't really a historical fact, but you don't care, do you? No you don't!  Here are some of my favorites:

Saturday, In the Park...

I think it was the fourth of July...

WalMart!

The first Walmart opened July 2nd, 1962, which also happens to be the middle day of the year, now you know. People lined up overnight in high hopes that finally all of their wall needs would be answered, only to discover that the "wal" in the name referred to the founder's last name, Sam Walton, and not to the overwhelming need for a store that only sold various types of walls ("from dry to brick, we got your pick!"). Some of the crowd started to leave in an orderly fashion, but then an atheist anarchist pro-life democrat (we can only assume) shouted "fuck it, let's riot!" So they rushed in, tore out the walls and carried them away, unsure of where to put them (these were not the walls they were looking for). Clever old Sam quickly rushed around saying, "why don't you pay to store them over here at my storage space?" (which was secretly his store). So the people paid, and the walls went back where they were torn from, and a group of hard-working Americans got the store back in shape and it went on to be the biggest thing since my mother in law (hey-ohhh!!). Please shop there.

Foreverkins is brought to you by Wall Mart.