Sleep!

If sleep was a video game it would be broken down into difficulty settings which would be given clever names to demonstrate the user's skill level who would be able to accomplish sleep at that skill level. The first would be easy: "Captain Catnaps". At this setting the user is given a soft bed in a dark room in a quiet neighborhood. The air would be mild, and the user would be given adequate time to leak the lizard before setting down. As the round progresses, slight things might occur in an attempt to stir the sleeper, but nothing too major.

The next level of difficulty would be medium: "Sergeant Snores". Here, the room isn't as dark, cars pass occasionally, and the air is just a little bit too warm. Sometimes through the night a pet dog might come in, investigate the sleeper, then leave. A neighbors TV can be heard quietly through the wall. Navigate your way to victory, sleeper!

The hard level would be "Rip Van Winkle". Here, the user is required to sleep in a room with a buzzing neon sign shining in to a room too hot while roommates watch and cheer sports and randomly come in and out of the front door, slamming it each time, shaking the whole house each time, calling to each other from one side of the house to the other to bring more beer, then maybe engage in noise contests. Occasionally a round of karaoke might break out. The sleeper does not have access to any weapons.

Cheat mode would be called "Ambien". Using cheats, sleeper can unlock a difficulty mode that maybe .01% of participants will be able to beat: "Coma".

What difficulty level do you sleep at?

Internet Magic

Sometimes the internet is like a giant Easter Egg Hunt. Not in that romanticized way that you see on TV when they show that White House version with little girls in white dresses on well manicured lawns finding brightly colored eggs, I'm talking about the kind normal kids have. You know the type, running about the dirtiest corners of your backyard trying to find grey-brown splotchy eggs that you made the night before trying to create a rainbow by dipping the egg into all the colors. The greatest discovery you make is usually nothing to do with Easter. It may be an old toy, a rusted piece of silverware, dried animal scat, or maybe even one of last years eggs and an odor that 16 years of huffing metallic paint won't chase away the memory of. Sometimes though, you find a lost treasure, something long forgotten and magical. Well, today I asked the internet for an image of a Sloe Gin Fizz cocktail, and it gave me this :

All Quiet on the Western Front

August 4th, 1993: A federal judge sentences LAPD officers Stacey Koon and Laurence Powell to 30 months in prison for violating motorist Rodney King's civil rights, a decision which doesn't upset anybody very much.

Fresh on the Wire: Man Loops Earth in Record Time!

July 22, 1933: American Adventureman Wiley Post has done it, ladies and gentleman, he has circled the earth in record time, on his own accord with no company but the heat from the skies and the cold moisture from the ocean below! Dear Icarus, we have a winner! This American bandit stole the hearts of all the young lassies waiting for his landing and sold them to the commies, then took the hearts back purely out of greed and kept the cash, indeed he did! Wiley Post, you are a true American hero!

Fake Out

It's been twenty years since Milli Vanilli broke the hearts of the world when they revealed that they were not the ones singing on their album, a conclusion some may have come to when they first heard them speak and realized they couldn't pronounce a single English word. Now listen, that first Milli Vanilli album is totally awesome, whoever sang it. I don't care if it was sung by The New York Differently-abled C. Thomas Howell Impersonators Choir, I love it. Nowadays we have pop stars who can't sing, but they just autotune the hell out of their voices. We know they don't write their own music or play any instruments, the only difference was the people behind Milli Vanilli could actually sing. I guess my point is this, all current pop music is awful and must be stopped, or Milli Vanilli should be revered as gods.

Here's the thing...

As all Christian nations know, God gathered all the leaders of Christian countries together and said "guess what, here's the thing: whoever touches the most things, that's who I'll love!" So these nations sent out their best explorers to go out and touch all types of shit, like mountain tops, billy goats, ocean floors, you name it! But when they gathered again, God was all "looks like these motherfuckers got themselves a tie!" So America sent out spies and Russia and Britain too, they all sent out these spies to figure out what the other countries had already touched, and if there was anything else on earth that they could touch that would give them the advantage. Well, guess what? There wasn't shit. But JFK, he was too smart for the rest of them. "We're going to touch something that ain't no other player anywhere else has touched, by god. We're going to touch the god damn moon."

It's only too sad that he wasn't alive to see it, but he was probably up there with the angels giving high-fives when on June 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong told Houston "this is some steps, y'all! Not even just for this man, but also for mankind!" What he didn't realize though, is that it was for Americankind, because from then on God told those other countries to fuck off and gave America all of His almighty love.

And that's the truth.

It don't mean butt if it ain't got that jutt!

June 15, 1752: Ben Franklin (BFF or "Ben Franklin Forever" to his friends) proves that lightning is actually electricity.  On the same day he dribble-drived to produce an illegitimate son, drove to the basket by inventing bifocals and threw in the franklin stove for the slam dunk.  He is quoted as saying the next day, "It don't mean butt if it ain't got that jutt", in reference to his gunboats, which he'd show off daily at mass and in public restrooms.