Marlon Brando is 85

Funnyman Marlon Brando turns 85 today, or he would if he didn't pass away in 2004, at the age of 80. Let's start again: Funnyman Marlon Brando was born this day, 85 years ago, famous for roles in such films as Godfather and Apocalypse Now, neither of which are funny, let's start again. Actor Marlon Brando was born this day, April 3, in the year 1924. Mr. Brando, most famous for his role as Superman's father, ran into some trouble in 1972 when it was disovered that he was the head of a notorious group of Gangsters operating out of New York. He was later aquitted of all charges, however, when he showed up in court wearing a tuxedo, breastfeeding a cat.

Marlon, raised as a Christian Scientist, was heavily featured in the 1996 documentary film The Island of Dr. Mureau, which revealed the actor to be working intensely with fellow actor Val Kilmer on a project that would turn animals into what he described as "The Ideal Humans". The documentary garnered a lot of bad feedback, causing Marlon Brando to discontinue his work.

Mr. Brando passed away in 2004, while tending to his garden. He was awesome.

Charlemagne: King of Franks

Nothing says April 2, 2009 more than the 1,267th Anniversary of the birth of Charlemagne!

To celebrate this event, people from around the world will be voraciously consuming franks and beans, as well as drinking unfiltered Rhine water and contracting hepatitis, as was customary during the 8th-century. I happen to prefer "veggie-franks", or "veggie-Charlemagnes" if you will.    

Legend has it that he was really into ambient music and those bikini carwash films, which functioned as a common activity to relieve stress during his wars with the Slavs and the Avars and most any other horde of the time.  He had a son named Pippin, who was very selfish and demanded futuristic things such as cars and danish modern furniture, even though they had not been invented and were completely incomprehensible to his society!  This logic did not stop the outrageous demands and eventually caused Charlemagne to look towards other lands for treasures that might satisfy Pippin's extravagant yet refined tastes.  Eventually, Charlemagne was broke and was forced to default on his sub-prime mortgage!  Death came soon after.