September 10, 2010

new release

September 9, 2010

Solve for X










August 31, 2010

August 18, 2010

Fictitious Business Name (Doing Business As) "MIAMI ADVICE"

Philip Michael Thomas has filed for a DBA (Doing Business As) for his services of talent scout and agent in the greater Dade County area under the Fictitious Business Name of "Miami Advice". Previously Mr. Thomas sold jacuzzi's, baths and large containing units under the business name "Tubbs Tubs". He is an investor in Miami Vice co-star Donald Johnson's line of cooking products known as "Crocketts Crock Pots and More". Philip Michael Thomas is best known for playing the role of "Jesse" in the 1978 film "Death Drug".

April 28, 2010

SS Sultana Shreds

Back in -1865 BC, the SS Sultana decided to try something new, for a boat. Something different. "Let's see what's BELOW the water," it implied, through direct wording. "Let's find out."

Portholes were cut into the bottom of the boat, but glass, as it so often finds the time in it's "busy" schedule to do, interfered.

"Fuck you, glass," said the boat.

"Your place or mine?" said the glass.

"Burn!" said the water.

"Burn?" said the boat... "Idea!"

"What do you want?" said Idea.

"I've got an idea," said the boat, ignoring that drunken idiot Idea.

Idea went back below deck with his ceramic jug stamped with 11 X's followed by a few T's, which were crossed out emphatically by further X's. "I've gotta get some more X's on this jug," he muttered to himself.

"You sure you don't want to give it some more T's, you drunk?" asked glass. Boat laughed. Good job, glass.

Water didn't understand.

On April 27, 1865, the SS Sultana, with the assistance of Robert Louden's coal torpedo, suffered an explosion and went diving down into the rancid river. Immediately, the boat regretted it's decision. The 2400 passengers on board did as well, trying their hardest not to drown in the disgusting waters of the Mississippi. "On my headstone," announced one man, through a final splay of bubbles floating up to the murky surface, "please leave my location of drowning blank. Or perhaps a question mark. Or perhaps the mighty Amazon, where the Brazilian female soccer team is rumoured to bathe. Oh dear, asphyxia..."

Around 1600 victims were victimized that day, while around 800 survivors are thought to have survived. The boat wrote a book about what it saw under the water, but it is so boring that no publisher has been willing to release it.

April 19, 2010

Kitty Glitter

This exists!

April 1, 2010

Happy Anniversary Foreverkins

It's been one year girl. I bet you knew this day would come...isn't that right?

Now, let's relax and get you out of those clothes. You must be tired.

Let's put on some music to calm those nerves, such sensual nerves you have.

Yeah, that's right, this song is my tribute to you. Those there, well, those are rose petals on the bed, and yes, I am wearing really strong cologne - it's all for you, girl! You know you like it.

Happy Anniversary!

March 17, 2010

Saint Patrick's Day Segues

So, it's Saint Patricks Day everyone (you), Ireland's national holiday. There are probably hoards of people celebrating as we speak. Speaking of Ireland, what happened to U2? Are they still around? I haven't listened to a new U2 song in a long time. If I found myself listening to a new U2 song, I bet I wouldn't like it, but I'd enjoy not liking it because it would affirm my prediction of not liking it, and I would have won a bet with myself. Speaking of bets, has anyone here (you) been to Las Vegas recently? Wow, what a great place, eh? I mean, where else in the desert would you want to be than a no-holds barred cluster fuck of degrading indulgence and tawdry architecture? I mean, it's the first thing that comes to mind when imagining the hot desert, right. Speaking of cluster fucks, can you people believe the state of affairs in D.C.? Actually, I (you) probably shouldn't get into politics here because of my (your) short temper when it comes to arguing. Hey, speaking of temperatures, how's the temperature where you are? It's nice in San Francisco today, with a chance of kindness tomorrow. OH, ZING! Speaking of zings, I have not been there, but their website plays some sultry-ass music - "after dark". Apparently, their trademark tag-line is "Our food is like sex in your mouth", which means a variety of things to different people, which is why they went out of business just now as you were reading this.

Speaking of reading, I have some stories, let me tell you: Once upon a time... j/k! Let's get real: Deep in outerspace, there lived a bi/curious space-wizard named Stewart who, through space-alchemy, controlled the... yeah, right, his name would not be Stewart - Good job!

Speaking of Stewart, I like Star Trek, especially Jean-Luc Pacard (aka Patrick Stewart). He knows how to take a botched intergalactic massacre and turn it into casual, quality television.

Now that we are back to Patrick, have a happy Saint Patrick's Day.

March 11, 2010

New Product: Foreversink!

We are proud to announce the arrival of our first, fresh, brand-newest product, the Foreversink! This fine specimen of household, kitchen, bathroom, shed, darkroom, laundryroom-ware is brought to you exclusively by us hardworking folk here at Foreverkins, and Science.

The foreversink can do it all: introduce water, both hot and cold, drain water, and its great in the bedroom. It can also hold objects within it's confines. It can be used as a paperweight; but we recommend drying it first... you don't want to get Uncle Tiffany's last will and testament wet! What would Judge Cyndi Lauper say at the wake when you try to collect on his thousands? Not very nice words, I'm guessing. Probably a lecture about the process paper undergoes from it's creation in a cocoon (goodbye wood mulch!) to it's final resting place in a trash can fire (hello warm hobos!). While the lecture would provide a lot of useful information regarding a product you use on a daily basis and completely take for granted, you could be spending that time spending Uncle Tiffany's thousands on a whale watching tour off Girls Gone Wild Island, in the Gulf of Mexico.

The foreversink will literally last forever, as will the engraved message "tell your friend or friends or mailman about today!". This will remind you that English is the one and only true language.

Good washings!

January 5, 2010

==Dashers Dashers==

January 5, 1974, scientists in Antarctica report that the warmest day in Antarctican history has been achieved with a Fahrenheit measurement of 59 degrees symbol. In Celcius, 59 would be a very warm day by American standards ("The Only Standards or We'll Spill Yer Tea!") and about average for the Death Valley July 4th festival and hot dog cookout, just don't fire off your fireworks you fun havers.

Upon discovery of this warm day, the scientists shimmied out of their scientist clothes and held open their arms to the still very quiet sun, scientist bodies bared for all to see. Then, the wine. One scientist declared proudly, "Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?"

But one scientist watched from indoors with a big crappy frown on that small scientific face. He knew what this meant: Global Warming. "Just you wait," he said quietly, ominously, camera zoomed in, pull out, zoom away... He watched, whispering "just you wait," until one of the scientists, in for more wine glasses, noticed him and said, "One peanut butter sandwiches, Ah Ah Ah!!"