April 28, 2010

SS Sultana Shreds



Back in -1865 BC, the SS Sultana decided to try something new, for a boat. Something different. "Let's see what's BELOW the water," it implied, through direct wording. "Let's find out."

Portholes were cut into the bottom of the boat, but glass, as it so often finds the time in it's "busy" schedule to do, interfered.

"Fuck you, glass," said the boat.

"Your place or mine?" said the glass.

"Burn!" said the water.

"Burn?" said the boat... "Idea!"

"What do you want?" said Idea.

"I've got an idea," said the boat, ignoring that drunken idiot Idea.

Idea went back below deck with his ceramic jug stamped with 11 X's followed by a few T's, which were crossed out emphatically by further X's. "I've gotta get some more X's on this jug," he muttered to himself.

"You sure you don't want to give it some more T's, you drunk?" asked glass. Boat laughed. Good job, glass.

Water didn't understand.

On April 27, 1865, the SS Sultana, with the assistance of Robert Louden's coal torpedo, suffered an explosion and went diving down into the rancid river. Immediately, the boat regretted it's decision. The 2400 passengers on board did as well, trying their hardest not to drown in the disgusting waters of the Mississippi. "On my headstone," announced one man, through a final splay of bubbles floating up to the murky surface, "please leave my location of drowning blank. Or perhaps a question mark. Or perhaps the mighty Amazon, where the Brazilian female soccer team is rumoured to bathe. Oh dear, asphyxia..."

Around 1600 victims were victimized that day, while around 800 survivors are thought to have survived. The boat wrote a book about what it saw under the water, but it is so boring that no publisher has been willing to release it.

3 comments:

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  2. and now it's August. Time flies when you're not updating your blog.

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