June 30, 2009

"old enough to fight, old enough to vote"

June 30, 1971 - Ohio ratified the 26th Amendment, officially dropping the voting age to 18. The vietnam war and it's heavily unsupported draft brings about this change amidst cries of "old enough to fight, old enough to vote!". The idea is that if you're old enough to get sent overseas to die, you should be old enough to weigh in on the decisions leading there. It's still sort of a raw deal though, if you think about it. How many of us actually get a chance to vote as soon as we turn 18? Only those born around late October or early November in any year that falls 2 years before (or after) a leap year. Those few might get a chance to punch ballots before they get sent off to die, or worse (kill?), but I know that if I was in that position I wouldn't feel any sense of relief knowing that I was allowed to cast a vote before I got put overseas to fight in a war that I didn't believe in (which is no war, to be fair). I personally believe that the draft should never be enacted unless it's required to defend the country, but never ever to attack another country, or to get involved with a war that isn't our business.

June 29, 2009

Travalena Man

Fred Travalena has joined the ranks of the deceased this week, after a bout with cancer. For those who don't remember, Fred Travalena was the host of the 80's show "Anything For Money" where people get bribed to humiliate themselves for some cash. God bless the mystery of America. He also was a voice for many cartoons including The Smurfs and Shirt Tales. He hosted celebrity roasts and did impressions. So on this refreshing and lovely Summers eve, pour a little out for old Fred.

June 28, 2009

No Sham-Way!

This morning an orange glow left Billy Mays' oxycotin clean body, delivered to the mighty putty in the sky with no additional shipping or handling.

I am a huge Billy Mays fan and was really really sad to hear this news. I hope that if I'm ever in a drastic enough position to be visited by some sort of spirit guide to get my life back in order that it's Billy Mays with his yelling voice and expressive hand movements who comes to get me back in action. I'll let Billy finish this post on his own:

June 26, 2009

The Coney Island Cyclone - Let's Make a Metaphor!

The Coney Island Cyclone opened June 26, 1927, and New York City businessmen wearing suits and carrying briefcases lined up immediately. The businessmen paid their 25 cents and climbed aboard, unfolded their newspapers, lit their tobacco, and crossed their legs, checking their pocketwatches frequently to make sure they weren't running late for another busy day at the markets. The cars left the station, climbing a steep grade. Several men folded their newspapers to the next page, noticing the view as they did so and commenting on how absolutely marvelous it was. Then the car peaked, and swooped downhill. The businessmen did their best to hold the newspapers in place, smoke their pipes, and hold discussions on how marvelous everything was going as the cars made tight turns, shot up and swooped down and finally coasted back into the station, where the brakes slowed the coaster and brought it to a stop.

The businessmen folded up their papers and tucked them under their arms as they climbed out, disoriented by the ride, but more notably confused that the coaster had unmistakably brought them back to the same station they took off from. "Why, this isn't my stop!" declared one man, which brought the matter to the full attention of all the other men. "Perhaps we need to find one going the other direction!" said another man, and they all followed him to the Thunderbolt. Again, they climbed aboard, lit their tobacco and unfolded their newspapers, crossed their legs as the cars left the station, only to find themselves in the same place as they had left. "Wrong direction, wrong direction!" yelled the businessmen, and they hustled back to the Cyclone, checking their watches and tucking their newspapers under their arms.

They went back and forth like this for quite a while, until finally, on October 29, 1929, the Stock Market crashed and the businessmen lost their jobs. And that was the start of the Great Depression. Coincidence? I don't think so.

June 24, 2009

Dance Sucka, Dance!

June 24, 1374: Citizens in the streets of Germany start dancing uncontrollably, hallucinating, twitching, and jumping about like wild savages until finally collapsing from exhaustion. Dancing Mania has struck again! Science has no clue as to why this is happening. Some modern theorists say a basic form of LSD was responsible, but modern anti-theorists say "no way, Jose, LSD doesn't cause uncontrollable dancing". My theory is that Bill and Ted stopped by during one of their time travel adventures and rocked the town so hard that they couldn't stop dancing until their faces were pressed against cold gravel, their bodies too exhausted to even pee their own pants. What do you think happened?

June 23, 2009

Heeeere's St. Peter!

Today, Ed McMahon died. He was most famous for being the old guy on the Cash 4 Gold commercials. Now he is in Heaven announcing people as they arrive. When Jack Nicholson dies, it would make me so happy if he was there waiting with a hearty "Heeeeeere's Johnny!". That is of course as long as he didn't end up in that other place.

June 22, 2009

How About It, Science?

Hey Science, how about a strip of land 2 miles wide and 12,000 miles long that is suspended up 20,000 feet above the earth's surface, which moves with the placement of the sun, allowing all of the areas of the strip to always experience the same time of day? People could purchase pieces of land dependent on what their favorite part of the day is and build pools in the middle, where the sun is always up-top center, or large wooden porches towards either end, where the sun is always either rising or setting. There would be defensive missile pods for the times when the strip moves over hostile nations down on boring old earth, and there would be constant streams of transport to bring food and other goods back and forth between the strip (where vegetables could flourish in areas where science knows best) and boring olde earth down below. Elimination would be easy: dump it in the ocean! Fresh water would be easy too: control the weather! Make a part of the strip always rainy so people from boring old Seattle could be happy and play their grunge music and provide the rest of us with fresh water! As for me, I'll be living somewhere between 4pm and 5pm, but I'll have houses at Sunset and Noon as well, for when I want to go swimming (noon), or kick back with a romantic glass of Don Chemile's Romantic Wine (sunset). Also, as the inventor of this strip, I will have girlfriends in every part of the day, from dawn to dusk, and i will sleep in their beds and couches. Get to it, Science.

June 21, 2009

We have a Winger!

Kip Winger, from the band Winger on the album Winger sang a song called Seventeen. The song had lyrics about how a 17 year old fit him like a glove and and how “daddy” says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for him. When he wasn’t singing songs about statutory rape, he mainly focused on the grooming of his hair. He would take like 4 hours to hairspray his hair up, once he even trained some spider-monkeys to work on scaffolding he had erected around his head just to get an extra couple of inches(too bad it wasn’t rats trained to rat his hair, it would have been so damn literal.). His clothes were perfectly torn so he always had one peek-a-boo nipple, which was way cool, but not as cool as the Ratt song “Way Cool Junior”.
Happy birthday you deliriously pretty and hairy man.

June 20, 2009

Ain't No Fountain of Slime Youth!

Nickelodeon Slime has been linked to eventual death, experts say, in a report which also listed Teddy Ruxpins, cassingles, and Jr. High School as other definite links to human beings' eventual demise. The report states that 100% of people slimed on popular Nickelodeon shows such as Double Dare, You Can't Do That on Television, Finders Keepers, and Family Double Dare will eventually lose their ability to continue living and will have to relocate their body to either a grave, an urn, or a rocking chair in a spooky attic with a window facing the street. At least one man, a Mr. Hubert T Higgins of Cattleprod Lane, was disappointed to learn that the slime did not grant everlasting life.

June 18, 2009

Thanks For The War, Thanks For The Music

Take a chance on me to tell you the story of June 18th 1815 and the end of the Battle of Waterloo. Napoleon was a small man but he was a super Trooper. He rode around on a horse named Fernando and always had his hand in his coat. What was he hiding? A sock puppet? Money, Money, Money? A Chiquitita Banana? Nope, it was a boomerang, and he would ride around saying “Voulez-Vous avec boomerang?”. He wouldn’t even wait to hear the answer before out of the blue “Bang!”, a boomerang would hit you upside the head. When Napoleon first met Queen Victoria he pulled his little trick on her. The pain sent her hopping about the room and all Napoleon did was point and laugh “look at the dancing Queen!”. This made Victoria angry who challenged the small man to a winner takes it all battle, and the name of the game was war. There were many times the Queen wanted to give up and send out an S.O.S. when she was under attack, but she didn’t give in. The war went on and on and on until finally, Napoleon was knocked head over heels. He tried to plead with the Queen to let him go by saying “Gimme gimme gimme a chance!” and staring at her with his angel eyes, but she threw him in jail to rot.

So long Napoleon, and Abba nice day.

June 17, 2009

Part of This Complete Breakfast

On June 17, 1994 Al Cowlings led police on the world's slowest televised chase because he didn't want to spill his glass of OJ all over the back of his white bronco. He was on the run from the coppers because of a deal gone bad with the Cash for Gold Man who tried to sell him a brown nickel(crazier things have happened!). Magic carpets flew overhead capturing everything for the world to see with their NASCAR numbered video cameras while the citizens watched at home breathlessly waiting to see if the glass of OJ would spill itself over or not. Eventually, Al Cowlings steered his white steer into the barn where he first picked up the glass of OJ and the orange citizens of the world were happy that the glass of OJ hadn't spilled over but a lot of the other people wanted to see that OJ spilled out for breaking the wooden nickel in half, and for stabbing the Cash for Gold Man about a thousand times. Swear to god.

June 16, 2009

Bad People do Bad Things

June 16, 1967: Ike Turner was probably beating Tina Turner on this day. He just liked beat-downs.

Who's Bad?

June 15, 2009

You Say Potato, Dan Says “You’re Doing It Wrong!”

1992, Trenton New Jersey, Dan Quayle set loose his love for the letter E by insisting a young spelling bee competitor put one on the end of Potato. For those of you out there who chose to drop lots of acid and listen to 4 Non-Blondes records over and over again in the 90’s (Kudos to you BTW), Dan Quayle was the Vice President under the elder Bush. Dan’s greatest gift as Vice President was adding the letter E to a bunch of words that felt naked without one. Cantaloup became Cantaloupe, ntr became entrĂ©e (← Dumb Joke!), and Potato became another great reason to mock our political leaders.

Thanks Danny, you fixed our language!

June 14, 2009

Stars and Bars and eating Cars on Planet Mars where the People Meet

Today is Flag Day, a day where you can put your little American flag in your front lawn and watch from the blinds to see who walks past without saluting it, marking their names down in a yellow legal pad used to research potential commies. See that kid who just spit his gum down on the sidewalk, and then the gum bounced and landed right next to the flag? Use your pink highlighter to color him in and then draw a thick arrow to the top of the list, where he belongs. See that woman carrying her heavy groceries past, see how she stops right by the flag to readjust her hold on those heavy bags, and she steps over and the heel of her shoe brushes just barely past the flagpole? Pink highlighter, thick arrow to the very top. Some people say that it isn't unpatriotic not to salute the flag every single time you walk past it, and all of those people deserve to be on your list. Don't be shy. When you finish a page, tear it out and tape it to your front door. Let them know you're watching. Some of them might not notice your binoculars that tap against the glass in your front window as they walk past. Some of them might not have read your opinion columns the local commie paper ran for a few days under the threat that you would label them "commie" if they didn't run it. Well, they ran it, but a true American newspaper wouldn't have even considered to start rejecting your opinion columns when they started to get "too long and pointless and accusatory, and the Mayor doesn't drink newborn blood, that's just ridiculous."

Sure, real ridiculous, Russia

So go out and celebrate Flag Day by putting a flag in your front yard and then hiding in your dark living room, put on some Bruce Springsteen and set down an 18-pack of some American small boys nearby, empty out that urine bucket first, this is going to take up all your time and you can't afford to let those commies walk past your house unnoticed, America can't afford it, it's just what the terrorists are waiting for so come on, get out there and celebrate Flag Day like a real god damned American!!!

June 13, 2009

Lakes, Streams, and RIVERS!

Do I like lakes? Sure I do! How about Streams? You Better believe it! What do you say of Rivers? Well, if you're talking about rivers as water-ways similar, but larger than, streams, then I love them dearly. If you are talking about Rivers Cuomo, the lead guitarist and singer of Weezer, I only liked him on the Blue album and Pinkerton. Since then, I have always disliked him for continuing to make music as Weezer that sucks in comparison.

He happened to be born today, June 13, 1970, making him 39 years old. That's too old to be playing power-pop music because it just is. Say it IS so that Weezer will call it quits soon. If you are in Weezer and happen to read this, sorry if that was too harsh. I'm not saying you should break up and not speak to each other ever again. Rather, you all should get some chai tea and have a good calm talk by a warm fire and collectively decide to end the project for the sake of new ideas that happen to also be good ideas. Love (only during the first two albums), me.

June 12, 2009

Mamma-Mia, Pappa-Pia, Anne wrote a Diary-uh!

Happy Birthday Anne Frank! Anne Frank, who turned 13 on June 12th, 1942 was given for her birthday one pony, six Holly Hobby Easy Bake ovens, and a blank diary. She got pretty steamed about the whole diary thing and took all of her loot into the attic of her house. She would clomp around on ponyback eating fancy cakes cooked under the power of a lightbulb, but Hitler lived downstairs and he hated ponies and cakes. One day Hitler finally snapped and took her pony and cake makers away from her and she was all like, “dude, you are such a Nazi!”. All Anne had left to survive on was her diary so she decided to write a story about how she was a demure princess and lived in a magic castle with a hunky prince who looked just like Ryan Reynolds. Unfortunately little Anne wasn’t so creative, so instead she just wrote about what a jerkface Hitler was. Boy, was she right about that guy. It was so true in fact that afterward people started saying “Can’t we be Anne Frank about this situation” which was later shortened to “Let’s be Frank”.

June 11, 2009



June 11, 1962, 3 Alcatraz inmates get a little homesick and decide to set themselves free. Months of careful planning allow them to climb onto the roof, climb over a fence, stick their feet in the water of the San Francisco bay and set sail for Angel Island, presumably drowning in the process. Freedom! Followed by... eternal freedomnation?

The three men were Clarence Anglin, John Anglin, and Frank Lee Morris. One might say that the two brothers, sharing the last name Anglin, might try to convince a third partner in such a crime to start calling them The Fisherman Brothers, but quite frankly Morris couldn't give half a damn about any of society's so-called nicknames. He just wanted to escape, which is why when they made a movie version of his real life antics, he was played by Clint Eastwood.


Frank, the two brothers, and a fourth man named Allen West set to escaping earlier that year when they discovered an unguarded utility corridor behind the wall of their cells. Using tools manufactured in the prison, such as a metal spoon soldered with silver from a dime ("dime silver", as my grandpappy called it), an electric drill built using a stolen vacuum cleaner motor, and plain old prisoner gusto, the four men cut the moisture damaged concrete from around an air vent leading into the corridor. They covered up the noise with accordions played during music hour and concealed the cutting with false walls which were hard to notice in the dark recesses of the cells. Down the corridor was a fan vent which the fan and motor had been removed from, replaced by a steel grille. The prisoners removed the rivets from the grille and substituted dummy rivets made of soap. Everything was going according to plan.


On June 11, the prisoners stole raincoats to use as a raft (which explains their presumed drowning), left papier mache mannequins in their cell, and made a break for it. Allen West, whose false wall had repeatedly slipped free prior to the escape attempt, had reattached it using cement and was now unable to remove it, so he got left behind, standing awkwardly with one arm over his papier mache mannequin friend when the guards made their rounds. "Heeeeey, guys..." he said, "just hanging out here with my good friend Collin... East..." The guards pulled him out of the cell and made him watch while they tortured his mannequin. He quickly and tearfully spilled everything and led the guards to Angel Island, where they were planning to land after leaving Alcatraz. There they discovered tattered remains of the raft and plywood paddles, leading them to believe that the prisoners had drowned.

Upon returning to Alcatraz, Allen West was given a job, along with everybody else, writing for the prison newspaper, The Weekend.

June 10, 2009

Gershon with your bad self!

June 10, 1962: Gina Gershon is born and begins preparing in her butch lesbian role in Bound with Jennifer Tilly. I know nothing else of her career and I'm fine with that. Are you fine with that? Happy Birthday Gersh!

June 9, 2009

Hold that tiger...

Piping hot history will be out of the oven shortly.

June 8, 2009


June 8, 1984 marks the release of a great and wonderful movie starring many great and wonderful actors, a movie by the name of Ghostbusters which told the story of a gigantic marshmallow and his 15 minutes of fame.

Ghostbusters was inspired by the detective work of Pac Man and Ms Pac Man (who later got all hopped up on goofballs and went on a pellet swallowing killing spree, eating everything but the eyeballs of local bully spirits who tried to give the yellow circles a hard time when they were just out to bust some crims and eat some randomly apparating pieces of fruit).

Pac Man was inspired by these four bug eyes farmers who owned a big plot of land that they planted their seeds in, and the battles they fought with this crazy critter who would come along and eat the seeds before they had a chance to sprout. The farmers, all of them brothers by the last name of Gaust, set up their humble little rectangle of a house right in the middle of it all, and when they would hear that critter come along chomping at the seeds they'd run out to try and get him. Sometimes they would get the critter before he got all their seeds, and when that happened another little critter would suddenly appear going after those same damn seeds. It is believed that the critters traveled in groups of 3, because usually after they killed the third one that would be it, no more of those critters for the season and the farmers could put the seeds back down and grow their crops.

When one of the critters would manage to eat all of the seeds before the farmers could kill them all, the farmers would meet back in the house and figure out a better, more complicated formation of ditches to make it harder for the critter to eat the seeds. Then the critter would come back and the farmers would set to their hunting of the critters all over again, usually moving faster and more irate.

Then there was this poison the farmers placed at each corner of the crops which was supposed to kill the critter dead, but what ended up happening was the critters would suddenly become very strong and attack the farmers instead, knocking them down into the mud and sending them back to the house to wash off, moving like a black muddy shape with only those bug eyes visible.

This really doesn't have much to do with the story of Ghostbusters, but it was an interesting topic that I thought I'd explore for a moment.

Well, if you've had a dose of a freaky ghost, you'd better call Ghostbusters! Ow!

June 7, 2009

A Prince is Born

June 7th, 1958: A mother gives birth to a son and wraps him in a purple velvet blanket, with white chiffon trim.  Awkwardly, the child is born with a John Waters-esque mustache, intense sexuality, and eccentric interest in panache and fashion.  

Prince Rogers Nelson was nicknamed "skipper" as a young boy in Minneapolis, MN.  As a young funk artist, he leaned towards ostentatious fashion, gimmicks, and an interest in outrageous, often shocking expression.  These were all tricks of bands like Sly and the Family Stone, Parliment, James Brown, et al.  These bands taught Prince how to boogie.  

Eventually, Prince got older and bolder (just like his father), and became really popular when he started playing shows with his band "The Revolution", who (dig, if you will, the picture) were all Honduran gorillas looking to overthrow the Fascist powers that be.  However, instead of guns and political rhetoric, they were armed with funky costumes and love guns.  

Finally, cloud guitars turned Prince into more than words could describe - a symbol.  The magic in the cloud guitar was not known to those who created it (warlocks).  All who use the instrument become more than words can describe and eventually lose touch with reality. Currently, Prince resides in Minneapolis and loves basketball.

June 6, 2009

The Shape Of Things To Come

25 years ago a group of Russian clowns were trying to climb into a tiny car, when Nikolai Volkoff had an idea. He would invent a video game that would train all clowns, no matter how tall and skinny, short and wide, or of lightning bolt shape they may be, to insert themselves into a clown car. Tetris is a game for mathmagicians which was invented in the land of Sauering Kraut and Borschting Beets. It is the Russians answer to the Pac-ed Man. Whereas Pac-Man is a game of consumption and Excess, Tetris is a game of falling in line and being a cog in the Communist Machine. If only we had a way to combine the two games, peace may finally come.

June 5, 2009

National Donuts Day!

Today is National Donut Day (NDD), celebrated the first Friday in June (FFIJ) in honor of the Chicago Salvation Army (CSA). The CSA started NDD on the FFIJ 1938 so they could raise funds to help them feed Americans hungry and saddened by the Great Depression. NDD is also used to honor CSA volunteers who went overseas during WWI to feed soldiers from the USA. For those of you thinking "this story is full of holes!", too bad, I used the pun before you had a chance to say it out loud. You can probably tell your friends that you thought of it before you even read it, and they may pretend to believe you, but deep down, they really won't care.

June 4, 2009

Cairo Speech rips world a new one!

June 4th, 2009: (Today) Barack Obama gave a powerful speech in Cairo with the hope of assuaging tensions in the Middle East.  The speech was one ethical fire bomb after another.  He appealed to reason, hope, faith, compassion, honesty, and one entire enchilada. Every time he quoted from the holy Koran, the audience applauded like there was a flashing "APPLAUSE" box above the stage.    

That brings me to laugh tracks.  I love laugh tracks in nearly every way.  You can put a laugh track on any footage and it will instantly be hilarious.  I dare you to prove me wrong.

Back to the speech.  Obama was moving like a butterfly and stinging like a bee.  He dropped so many compassion bombs and daggers of prosperity that it was like your heart wanted to implode into a blackhole of good intentions.  He made so much sense, it was like watching money roll off the conveyer belt into a bucket with a sign that read "sweetest dreams" on it.  He made so many babies fall in love with him, it was like he just gave birth to an entire nation, where the tears of joy could represent the viscous afterbirth of hope.  He broke off so many pieces of thoughtful consideration, he might as well have been doing the roger rabbit on stage after every sentence! 


Obama also singled out violent extremism as something that needed to be collectively attacked by the best of the best on all fronts. Hopefully, he never finds himself in the same room as this man:

June 3, 2009

Zimmer? I barely even know her!

June 3rd, 1930 is the birthday of Marion Zimmer Bradley. I don’t know much about Marion Zimmer Bradley except that she wrote a book called Mists Of Avalon, which seemed to be required reading in every feminist household in Santa Cruz during the late 80’s. If I ever went to a girl’s house and went to the bathroom and saw this book sitting next to their candle-infested tub, my first thought was always that I would soon be defending being a man. Her middle name was Zimmer, which is pretty cool, except for the fact that it is close to Zimmerman. Zimmerman was the original last name of Bob Dylan, who changed his last name to Dylan, which is my name, but the last name Dylan should be spelled Dillon, which has resulted in mass confusion in my life. When Bob Dylan decided to thumb his nose at the world of naming conventions, it was a metaphorical turn of the mousetrap crank, which sent shockwaves through the world. This resulted, for me at least, in the fact the no one can ever spell my name correctly. One time I went to Jack in the Box, and the trans-gendered Latino boy behind the counter asked me my name. When I said “Dylan” she cocked her head to the side and said “Jelly?”, and proceeded to write my name down as “Jelly.” True story! See what Bob Dylan did to me?! What was I talking about? Oh yeah, good thing there was no man attached to her name. She also wrote a book called The Colour Of Space, which isn’t just rad for its use of more vowels, but also because it sounds like the title of my favorite H.P. Lovecraft novel The Colour Out Of Space.

If you find this posting totally devoid of any useful information, I’d like to submit the following video, which is chock-a-block full of information that we all need to know.

June 2, 2009

When in Rome

June 2, 455: The Vandals enter Rome for a 2 week stay of problem child proportions, with the burning and the stabbing and the grabbing the women and the Geiseric! Beautiful Rome, beat senseless by the brutes, is sadly sweeped clean by a dictionary maker who decides that from then onward, all senseless destruction shall be said to be the work of vandals. Thus, a new word is born of a name of a tribe of destruction and anger, and probably beards with bits of corn matted in.

The Vandal's sack was spawned by the murder of Western Roman Emperor Valentinian III by Petronius Maximus (who had subsequently volunteered himself to replace the murdered Emperor). The Vandals saw this as an invalidation of their peace treaty with the Roman Empire. They came, they saw, they conquered, bloodied some heads, however the saying goes...

There actually are different accounts of what actually happened, actually. Some believe that the sack was relatively clean, meaning that there wasn't too much murder and violence or burning of the city. This stems from a claim that the Pope successfully pleaded with Geiseric not to go too hard on the city. Other accounts, however, seem to indicate otherwise. One record reports shiploads of captives arriving in Africa from Rome with slavery pricetags and giant "Everything Must Go" banners. Another historian reports that at least one church was burnt down, although this could have been one of those Church of Pyrus churches that routinely burn down their church in sacrifice every summer.

Most of us will never know, and the rest of us will never care.

June Gloom

June Glooom is upon us.  Hide your children and livestock!

Legend has it that on June 1st every year, June Gloom comes in and begins casting tenebrous, foggy weather on charming coastal areas when all else is sunny and warm.  Why, you ask?  Could it merely be the stratocumulus clouds blowing inland?  No, don't be fooled by the "meteorologists", with their "scientific" agendas and handsome good looks!  The real answer is BANSHEES!  

Foggy weather is the perfect camouflage for these cursed deities, these omens of death!  The banshee comes in three forms: a young women, a stately matron or an old hag, which together represent the Celtic goddess of war and death.  Fog is said to be linked to the presence of banshees, so watch out when you are traveling close to the ocean in June and the fog starts to overtake you -- you might be traveling into a trap, a cursed banshee trap!  Those who have not heeded this warning are all dead, so you see the severity of my words, don't you?!!  

Famous banshee scenes: