July 22, 2009

Fresh on the Wire: Man Loops Earth in Record Time!

July 22, 1933: American Adventureman Wiley Post has done it, ladies and gentleman, he has circled the earth in record time, on his own accord with no company but the heat from the skies and the cold moisture from the ocean below! Dear Icarus, we have a winner! This American bandit stole the hearts of all the young lassies waiting for his landing and sold them to the commies, then took the hearts back purely out of greed and kept the cash, indeed he did! Wiley Post, you are a true American hero!

July 21, 2009

Fake Out

It's been twenty years since Milli Vanilli broke the hearts of the world when they revealed that they were not the ones singing on their album, a conclusion some may have come to when they first heard them speak and realized they couldn't pronounce a single English word. Now listen, that first Milli Vanilli album is totally awesome, whoever sang it. I don't care if it was sung by The New York Differently-abled C. Thomas Howell Impersonators Choir, I love it. Nowadays we have pop stars who can't sing, but they just autotune the hell out of their voices. We know they don't write their own music or play any instruments, the only difference was the people behind Milli Vanilli could actually sing. I guess my point is this, all current pop music is awful and must be stopped, or Milli Vanilli should be revered as gods.

July 20, 2009

Here's the thing...

As all Christian nations know, God gathered all the leaders of Christian countries together and said "guess what, here's the thing: whoever touches the most things, that's who I'll love!" So these nations sent out their best explorers to go out and touch all types of shit, like mountain tops, billy goats, ocean floors, you name it! But when they gathered again, God was all "looks like these motherfuckers got themselves a tie!" So America sent out spies and Russia and Britain too, they all sent out these spies to figure out what the other countries had already touched, and if there was anything else on earth that they could touch that would give them the advantage. Well, guess what? There wasn't shit. But JFK, he was too smart for the rest of them. "We're going to touch something that ain't no other player anywhere else has touched, by god. We're going to touch the god damn moon."

It's only too sad that he wasn't alive to see it, but he was probably up there with the angels giving high-fives when on June 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong told Houston "this is some steps, y'all! Not even just for this man, but also for mankind!" What he didn't realize though, is that it was for Americankind, because from then on God told those other countries to fuck off and gave America all of His almighty love.

And that's the truth.

July 15, 2009

It don't mean butt if it ain't got that jutt!

June 15, 1752: Ben Franklin (BFF or "Ben Franklin Forever" to his friends) proves that lightning is actually electricity.  On the same day he dribble-drived to produce an illegitimate son, drove to the basket by inventing bifocals and threw in the franklin stove for the slam dunk.  He is quoted as saying the next day, "It don't mean butt if it ain't got that jutt", in reference to his gunboats, which he'd show off daily at mass and in public restrooms.

July 14, 2009

Nucular... it's pronounced Nucular...

The first US nuclear meltdown occured July 14, 1959 in an unincorporated area of Ventura County, in-between Simi Valley and Chatsworth. A local reactor experienced a power surge, causing it to overreact and blow it's top, then slowly melt down like an out of work actress coming to terms with her failed career, giving everybody around her cancer. Yes, it melted down like a piece of chocolate set down in the middle of the desert on the hottest day of the year, contaminating everything in a 3 mile radius. Melted down, yes yes, like an unincorporated writer jabbering on about nonsense and somesense, causing the nearby plantlife to glow ominously, like ghosts. Like me. Please like me!

July 10, 2009

Hottest Day in US History!

July 10, 1913, Death Valley hits 134 (degrees button) Fahrenheit, setting the record for the hottest day in recorded US weather record keeping history. "Why, that's hot enough to cook an egg!" says good old Pete. "I'll bet you it ain't!" says Pete back to himself. "You're on!" Right hand shakes left hand and he goes to grab a metal bowl. He sets the bowl in the middle of the heat, right down in the thick of it, and he breaks the egg and pours it in. In his left hand, he holds a fork. In his right hand, a knife. Around his neck a bib is tied, and he licks his chops in hunger and anticipation. "You're a fool for taking this bet," he says, unsure of which argument he says it for. The sun beats down. The bowl gets hotter, and the egg shows signs of cooking. "Son of a bitch!" he cries, upset and ecstatic to win and lose the bet, and he jumps up and runs in a single circle, then passes out from heat exhaustion.

Dedicated to Good Old Pete.

July 8, 2009

Roswell, let's put you on the map!

July 8, 1947, radios around the world broadcast the exciting news that a UFO has been discovered in Roswell, leading to an immediate response from Egyptian radio saying, "bullshit, Ra didn't have a well, and besides, it would be retarded for anybody to fly any object, identified or not, inside of a well," leading to another immediate response from American radio saying "no you idiot, Roswell, a small city in New Mexico which from this point forward will gain a tourist industry consisting primarily of Art Bell's audience, who is Art Bell? you'll soon find out, thank you, but we understand your confusion, ha ha, ha." The thing about UFOs is that any drunk will tell you that anything can be unidentified as long as you don't know what it is. No, LISTEN, think about it! What if I built a hot air balloon and painted a giant melty face on it, NO, a giant melty MONKEY face on it, then what would you think? Would you know what it is?

oh yeah, I belatedly apologize in advance for the laziness of our blog, mostlyneverkins... we'll try to get caught up sooner than later and the world can be nice and warm and snuggly again until 2012, when the sky starts falling.

July 6, 2009

50 Cent gets born!

50 Cent was born July 6, 1975. With inflation, that would make him 97 Cent today. Happy birthday, shorty! Now drink some Bacardi!

July 4, 2009

Three Frames

Today, July 4th, 2009, I just discovered the website "Three Frames" from a facebook posting (thanks Rob).  I love this website.  This isn't really a historical fact, but you don't care, do you? No you don't!  Here are some of my favorites:

Saturday, In the Park...

I think it was the fourth of July...

July 2, 2009


The first Walmart opened July 2nd, 1962, which also happens to be the middle day of the year, now you know. People lined up overnight in high hopes that finally all of their wall needs would be answered, only to discover that the "wal" in the name referred to the founder's last name, Sam Walton, and not to the overwhelming need for a store that only sold various types of walls ("from dry to brick, we got your pick!"). Some of the crowd started to leave in an orderly fashion, but then an atheist anarchist pro-life democrat (we can only assume) shouted "fuck it, let's riot!" So they rushed in, tore out the walls and carried them away, unsure of where to put them (these were not the walls they were looking for). Clever old Sam quickly rushed around saying, "why don't you pay to store them over here at my storage space?" (which was secretly his store). So the people paid, and the walls went back where they were torn from, and a group of hard-working Americans got the store back in shape and it went on to be the biggest thing since my mother in law (hey-ohhh!!). Please shop there.

Foreverkins is brought to you by Wall Mart.