May 31, 2009

Spine-ing for the Fjords

May 31st 1985, salesmen everywhere of wide-leg jeans, pacifiers, glow sticks, and whistles rejoice as Methylenedioxymethamphetamine gets listed as a schedule 1 drug. Known also as Adam, Ecstasy, Hug Drug and Disco Biscuits, MDMA would also nuzzle in the warm places of song writers, allowing them to forego any need for such trivialities as “melody” and “lyrics,” as well as “musicians,” and play the same simple bass line over and over as men in furry pants wearing ball chain necklaces gyrate wildly against the speakers. In the early 80’s, shortly after Chicago house was invented, there was a fear that Ecstasy would be marginalized by its legal status and people would come to view it as nothing more than feel good candy that makes your spinal fluid run backwards. Making the drug a taboo changed all that. Ecstasy would really hit its stride in the early 90’s when Beverly Hills 90210 cleverly disguised the drug as “Euphoria” and Ian Zierling’s character went on an egg hunt through L.A. in hopes of finding a T-Shirt that read “Euphoria 4 Ever” to replace his T-Shirt that read “2 Cool 2 B 4 Gotten.”

If it weren’t for making Ecstasy illegal, Techno music may never have gone mainstream and been left simply as a tool for enhancing 80’s chase scenes.

May 30, 2009

Brooklyn Bridge, show me strength through these traversing times!

Welcome to the 21st century, ladies and gentlemen. Flying cars, thank you for your ease of travel over freeway traffic, allowing me to wave down at the poor people as they inch along the 5 on their way to their boring day jobs. Time travel, thank you for showing me what to expect in the beautiful future of human egg birth and watermelon omelets. Hoverboards, thank you. Just thank you. But let us move on to the subject of today's day in history, back to the 19th century, a time when all the unknowns were still unknown, thanks to time travel's as of yet unknowingness. Next paragraph, please!

The day of May 30, 1883 was over 120 years ago. It was, in fact, 126 years ago. Think about the fact that an event occurring in the 19th century could potentially be 209 years ago. Wow, right? The wow factor (as yet unexplained mathematically due to Albert Einstein's early demise) tells us that our 126 years back to this date as opposed to the potential 209 years back to an event occurring in the 19th century means 13 less commemorative coins and zero living fossils.

On May 30, 1883, the newly built Brooklyn Bridge was covered with people traveling along, carrying their things from one part of New York to another. Somebody suggested, somewhere amidst the crowd, that the bridge was poorly build and ready for a collapse. The scrambling populace, grabbing the tiny hands of the smaller people from the underground tunnel systems, decided to find the shortest route off of the bridge. Amidst the chaos, 12 people were trampled to death. That's 12 people who died right there, in 1883, who could have potentially lived into the 20th century. Although, to be fair, the average lifespan back then was only 15 years so most of them would have been dead by 1898 anyway.

The next year, PT Barnum decided to show those trampling idiots not to listen to rumors (or rumours, as the english call them), and ran 21 elephants, the king of trampling, across the bridge at the same time. "Fools!" he cried, "this bridge will outlive you all!" And you know what? He was right.

May 29, 2009

Hoover? I barely knew her!

The Hoover Dam was completed on May 29, 1935, at least that's what wikipedia says when you google "May 29" - I didn't make it up!  I don't even know how to make things up!  Anyways, there were apparently 112 deaths, 3 births, and a great depression while making the dam, originally called the Boulder Dam, or "over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder dam" by all the construction workers (100% plausible).  On one side of the dam is Arizona, and on the other is Nevada.  The architects and engineers thought it would be cool to put some freaky gothic statues on the facade of the dam for effect.  I went there once when I was a child and mom almost fell over the side of the concrete barrier while taking a picture.  There's much more to say about this dam, but I think you aren't really reading this to learn about dams, and you just want some of THIS:

May 28, 2009

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Some people look to John and Yoko for their peaceful solutions, others to more radical ideas like Tiananmen Square, but those who know the best way to stop a war, solar power.
In 585 B.C. man had gods aplenty, The Battle of Halys was your typical fight. A group of dudes (the Medes) hire a group of dudes to hunt them up some food, hunter dudes don’t find food, leader dude(Cyaxares) insults the hunters with something like “Hey, hunter guys, you didn’t hunt well, so I’m gonna call you Mr. no hunter guys.”, hunters kill leader dudes son and feeds him to his people, double-double animal style, which is a perfectly fair reaction. The hunters then run away to a nearby country, with original dudes in hot pursuit. The hunters run to a land where the people think the hunter dudes are totally boss, so they decide to go to war instead of handing them over. The battle begins to rage when suddenly the sky goes out. Everyone on the battlefield thinks this is totally wizard, and feeling like all this people eating and ass kickery has angered the gods, they pack it in. The fighting ends, virgins are offered, sunglasses are removed and everyone goes to the country to eat a lot of peaches. This is where the phrase "Life's a peach" came from.

This form of peacemaking has been attempted many times since, to varying degrees of success. Mr. burns once blotted out the sun in a very successful manner. An army once had a plan to sneak into an enemy camp and set all their clocks ahead to 2pm, then began bashing pots and pans yelling “wake up, the sun has been unplugged!” but since neither clocks nor electricity had been invented they were simply caught and hanged for saying such confusing words. One time a man in a wild-west shootout held his thumb up to the sun and proclaimed “There’s nobody home!” at which point he was shot in the back.

As the cat said when asked how his owner stops him from destroying the furniture, “eclipse me”.

May 27, 2009

This is California

California: The Golden State. Early settlers quickly realized that California wasn't truly a state build out of gold. Merely gold plated, they announced, pulling back a layer to reveal dirt underneath. Good news for the farmers, bad news for the wedding ring factories springing up everywhere. Large communities moved in and out of the state, the farmers drawn to the soft moist soil, the New Jerseys repulsed by the false promise of unlimited gold chains. Hollywood is happy to find a setting as reliant on a thin layer of beauty as its own and moves everything in.

Farmers start finding it more difficult to store the rolled up layers of gold they peel free in order to plant plant plant, and so the state decides to undergo a plan to turn all of that unwanted gold into a huge public works project, one spot of California that truly will be gold after all: The Golden Gate Bridge. Work begins, and soon enough the bridge is built and ready for the public. May 27, 1937 marks the beginning of the end of the ferry system in the bay area, creating a vacuum that draws in a brand new fairy system (hey-oh!). Pedestrians and cars alike set across, feeling the wind blow through their automotive hair.

A couple days in, a photographer drags his tripod along and notices the gold scrape away revealing a darker metal underneath. Investigating, he scratches deeper and discovers that the golden gate bridge is as gold plated as the California his ancestors discovered years ago. He takes a key and scrapes away, forming the words "This is California." The picture earns him every photographic award known to man, and that is the story of "This is California", the most famous photograph of all time.

May 26, 2009

Indian Removal Act: Exit, Stage Left

May 26, 1830: President Andrew Jackson (known for his love of all things that are "good times") signs the Indian Removal Act (IRA for the sake of ambiguity), which involved the relocation and ethnic cleansing (intended or not) of numerous indigenous native-American tribes, culminating with the famous "Trail of Tears" migration in 1831.  What a bastard!    

Apparently, President Jackson  needed "living space" for his ATV's, above ground pools and other outrageous toys, which were always his true love above politics, so he drafted up the IRA as a way of "getting his shit done".  Jackson was already known to enjoy other popular southern pastimes such as a lynchings, slavery and a good glass of sweet tea.  The IRA was said to be, "So A.J.", as all the young teenage girls used to say back then.  Those same girls (all unattractive) had crushes on the 63-year old magnate-about-town.  They would read about him in Presidential Sugar Magazine, which often described A.J. as, "sensitive, but with a wild side that loves to have a good time". Too bad those same girls never made it to meet the President (all died).        

It is unfortunate that A.J. had so much ill will towards the native-Americans.  Things probably would have been better if they both went SEPARATE WAYS:


May 25, 2009

Begin The Fanfare

May 25, 1977, There are few movies that have had a larger impact on our culture, Kazaam, Dream a Little Dream, and Three Men and a Little Lady to name three. One thing that none of these movies have that Star Wars does, is a great title crawl. oh sure, there are some films out there with some lengthy introductions, but none so filled with concepts we could barely wrap our brains around. Little did we know how much this film franchise would have to offer.

In honor of this great date in history, I have gone through the trouble of finding a brief synopsis of the film, translating it to French and then back to English with the help of the future. Enjoy.

Luc Skywalker remains with his adoptive aunt and uncle with a farm on Tatooine. He is desperate to obtain in addition to this planet and to arrive at l' academy like his/her friends, but his/her uncle needs him for the next harvest. While waiting, a bad emperor succeeded the galaxy, and built a formidable Star death, able to destroy whole planets. Princess Leia, a chief in the resistance movement, acquires plans of l' star of death, the place in R2D2, a droid, and l' send to find Kenobi Girdle-Pale. Before qu' it finds it, R2D2 finishes upwards on Skywalkers' ; firm with his/her friend C3PO. R2 wanders then in the desert, and when Luc follows, they find Girdle-Pale thereafter by chance. Luc, Girdle-Pale, and both droids will be able to destroy l' star of death, or l' will emperor order for always?

May 24, 2009

Introducing: Eurovision!

The first Eurovision contest was held May 24, 1956 in Lugano, Switzerland. For those that don't know, Eurovision is an international contest held amongst active members of the European Broadcasting Union where countries elect representatives to sing a song that gets voted on, and the most popular song wins it all for the country they represent. The winning country is awarded a gold plated nuclear warhead, and is given a free first strike on the country of their choice (the country they choose must also have competed in that years Eurovision contest). The country that places last traditionally receives a consolation prize. This consolation prize usually varies from disease to famine, although in some years it has been limited to several free CDs and DVDs of their choice, with the requirement that they purchase another 4 or 5 from Columbia House and BMG within a restricted amount of time.

For those looking for more information on the other common use of "Eurovision", which is the inability that many Europeans have to see how small their speedos are or how creepy their mustaches might be, please visit here.

May 23, 2009

Explorer I, where are you?

May 23, 1958: Death of Explorer I, the first satellite ever deployed by the United States.  Due to battery failure and loneliness, Explorer I gave up without a fight.  Sputnik I and II had been launched in 1957 by the Soviets and the U.S. wanted their own piece of the atmospheric pie, so they revitalized Project Orbiter and shot Explorer I into space. The satellite stayed in orbit for nearly 12 years after it ceased transmissions, which meant it became space litter soon after it was launched.  It might have been the source of UFO sightings in the sky, when few people knew that satellites could be seen moving in the atmosphere on clear, dark nights or during very clear days.  

One man, Earl McFeebleson, said he remembered seeing strange lights moving through the sky on May 1, 1958.  He then noticed his microwave emitting fumes and his car radio playing strange music, which he thinks was due to electrical interference sent down by the unidentified flying object.  Earl said he new it wasn't a satellite because he had really good vision and could see the aliens in the cockpit, with their tentacles and hideous features.  Earl's state of mind that day was dismissed as ignorant and confused bullshit, but many believed they too had seen the same UFO on many different occasions.  Even though satellites very well could have been what these hillbillies saw, they often believed their outrageous stories were further supported by strange markings that would sometimes appear on their bodies after the sightings or a rough night of drinking.  Babies also had markings.  All of these cases involved alien abduction reports and usually included some aspect of anal probing for maximum authenticity when recalling their stories to police.  It has since been confirmed that hillbillies and the mentally unstable believe that "alien's love asses just as much as anyone else", which is why they surely must have got busy with human asses during their sexy abductions; "It just makes sense", said McFeebleson, as he demonstrated his reasoning with props and hand-made examples of the alien tools, which he called "Anus Wranglers" or "A-RODS" for short.     

I apologize for the slightly juvenile references, but I don't apologize for this.

May 22, 2009

I'm A Mazed

Happy Birthday Pac-Man! May 22 1980 Namco gave birth to a little yellow man with an insatiable appetite for lost souls. Pakkuman is a video game about life in the 80’s, the plot is that you are a hungry mouth, running through a mall doing lines of coke, and snacking on pretzels and fruit (presumably bought from an Orange Julius). The whole time Johnny Law AKA ghosts, are chasing you, trying to make you go to rehab. At four corners of the mall there is a power pellet which is filled with PCP, and when you consume it, the whole power paradigm shifts and you can go after the men in blue, (whose mouths at this point have for some reason fashioned themselves after Charlie Brown's shirt, and Charlie is another name for cocaine. Coincidence? I think not.) and consume them whole, except for their indigestible eyes, which roll their way back to this dunk tank in the center of the screen which grows a new body for them. In between levels, there are cut scenes where Pakku chases and is chased by these ghost police characters which for some reason are in the shape of Bart Simpson's upside down head. He also meets Ms. Pac Man and has a baby, making this the most sexually explicit, and factually accurate game of its time.

May 21, 2009

The White Night Riots

The White Night riots were a reaction by the gay community and other angered citizens of San Francisco to the lax verdict of Dan White, murderer of Mayor George Moscone and openly gay supervisor Harvey Milk. Dan White had been a member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors alongside Harvey Milk, who got along with Dan well enough until they had a disagreement regarding a zoning issue. Dan White became upset with his inability to make the changes he was pushing for in his position within the board, frustrated at being barred from taking on additional government work as a firefighter or police officer or astronaut to maintain living wages, jaded by his potato restaurant's lack of profits, and so he finally decided to resign from the board of Supervisors in order to sell balloons on the boardwalk full time. His supporters quickly convinced him to change his mind and take his job back as supervisor, and so he washed off the clown makeup, released a handful of balloons into the atmosphere, and ran back to City Hall to ask George Moscone to reinstate him.

At first, the mayor agreed, but was convinced afterwards by Harvey Milk and other board members to Just Say No. Dan White decided that he wasn't going out like no chump, and so on November 27, 1978, he climbed in through the basement window, jogged up to the Mayor's office, and asked for his job back again. The mayor, again, said no. Dan White shot him several times. Dan White then went back to his former office, asked Harvey Milk to join him in there for a moment, and then shot him as well. Dan White left, drove himself to a police station in the northern part of San Francisco that he had once been stationed at as an officer, and turned himself in.

On May 21, 1979, the jury (consisted primarily of white roman catholic men like Dan White) gave Dan White the minimal verdict possible: voluntary manslaughter. Mel Gibson appeared before a crowd of angered citizens wearing face paint and a horse. "I wear this horse out of anger!" he cried. "Today, we fight for our freedom!" The men charged city hall, tearing off brass adornments and smashing windows. In the end, the riots resulted in over 100,000 dollars in damages, and 60 police officers plus 100 gay rioters injured or hospitalized.

Dan White served 5 years, was paroled in Los Angeles for a year, went back to San Francisco (against the wishes of Mayor Dianne Feinstein) to reunite with his wife and kids, and finally commited suicide by carbon monoxide. Blame it all on the twinkies.

May 20, 2009

Otto-man, King of Grease!

May 20, 1832: Prince Otto Friedrich Ludwig of Bavaria ("Otto-man" to his friends) becomes the first modern King of Greece (King of Grease to his friends).  As far as monarchs go, Supreme Lord Otto was maybe 2 stars out of a possible 5 "Monarch Glitter-Gold" commemorative stars. He did eventually collect all five, which he added to his set of commemorative memorabilia. He is considered to be the first "modern" King of Greece due to his love of electronic and rap music, which he would blare out of his castle windows.  How he enjoyed such music on a 1980's ghetto-blaster before such things or times even existed is surely a question for the ages.  It is known that King Otto and his best buds would walk the halls with Otto holding his ghetto-blaster on his shoulder. When they would see someone really cool whom they wanted to impress, Otto would rewind a little to a specific part in a good song and then he'd hit play as he and his buds walked out with what they called the "Otto-shuffle", which resembles a certain learned motion [of the ocean]. 

Otto got the Greeks involved in all sorts of whacky adventures, such as the Crimean War, military coups, feature films, and many other hilarious family-oriented activities.  All in all, it worked out just fine for Otto until his exile and death.


May 19, 2009

Anybody Want A Peanut?

May 19th 1946 the most horrifying screams ever heard signify the birth of André René Roussimoff , AKA Monster Eiffel Tower, AKA Andre the Giant. Like all giants before him, Andre was chased from his village with flaming sticks. He packed up four of the most fertile village girls he could find, and struck out for other lands to crush. By the time he reached the United States, he stood at 7’4” and weighed 500 pounds. Andre the Giant was so big when he walked by the Empire State Building, Bi-Planes would just show up and start shooting at him, he was so big, one time he was riding in one of those clown cars and only one of him climbed out, his momma was so fat, when she sat around the house… wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Andre was a Pro wrestler in the WWF, which meant he had some awesome toys made in his image. Everybody wanted to be part of his posse, but some weren’t happy with simple posse member status, Billy Crystal tried to buy him as a slave, and when he was told about the laws prohibiting slavery, he had to settle on making a movie about owning him called “My Giant”. The most tragic fact of his too short life, was that the obesity craze hadn’t hit America yet, so Andre never got to live in a world where he could just go to TGI Fridays and order one meal and be full. He may have played a villain in the ring, but he was actually a giant of love.

May 18, 2009


May 18, 1980, Mount Saint Helen erupts into a gigantic movie plot making machine, depositing ash into 11 nearby states who all awkwardly accept the ash politely, then put it in a box in the corner to never mention again until the grandkids come to visit 29 years later (hint hint!) and ask what the box holds, leading to a whole ceremony where the box is carried down, stories are told, and the ash is given to the grandkids to keep around or sell on ebay or whatever the hell those kids do with those keyboard machines these days.

The eruption was expected by experts for months beforehand, leading to the evacuation of several nearby areas, including Spirit Lake where Harry Randall Truman owned a lodge and decided that the so-called experts could stuff it up their know-it-all behinds. He stayed, stating, "If the mountain goes, i'm going with it." Well, the mountain went, and so did Harry, buried likely under 150 feet of landslide debris. Another 56 people died in the eruption as well, but none of them made any statements on camera quite as retarded as Harry that the liberal media (and know-it-all bloggers) could make fun of.

After the ash had finally settled and evacuated residents could start digging down to their buried homes, Ronald Reagan approved a 75 trillion dollar bill for the rebuilding of Mount St. Helen. Fortunately, the bill was neither approved or real in the first place, but there are a few dedicated restorationists that go up there once every couple of years and move some rocks around (also not true).

Marry me, Mount St. Helens!

May 17, 2009

Thor Heyerdahl and the Ra II

May 17, 1970: Thor Heyerdahl sets sail from Morocco to Barbados in a boat made entirely of buoyant reeds in an attempt to provide validity to his claim that ancient vessels were capable of crossing the world's oceans during prehistoric times.  

With a crew of Norwegian hippies, Thor set out in his boat, "Ra II", named after the Egyptian Sun god.  "Ra I" had broke apart because it was made entirely of patchouli and good intentions, which coincidentally were not buoyant materials.  Heyerdahl's mission was to challenge the accepted origins of many cultures throughout the world. He claimed that due to the sea-worthiness of these crafts and early European reports of light-skinned tribes found throughout the Polynesian islands, there was the potential for ancient civilizations to have come into contact with each other much earlier than what other scientific and anthropological studies had suggested at the time. Heyerdahl's earlier journey, the "Kon Tiki" expedition, was made into a documentary film that won an academy award in 1951 (Hottest Superfluous Sex Scene in a Documentary).  

The Ra II expedition was a success and another film (The Ra Expeditions) was made thereafter. This film did not win any academy awards, however, due it being comprised entirely of superfluous sex scenes with Egyptian actors.  It was narrated during each scene by Thor himself, who named the uncut version "The Raw Expeditions". Some have called it pure egocentric pornography, but Heyerdahl claimed the artistic integrity of the film was apparent only if the genre was properly understood, which was of his own creation - "Thor Noir". It never caught on because it was all sorts of weird, but an epic example of soft-Thor Noir can be found here: Thor vs. Satan.    

Thor died in 2002.  This song was played at his funeral, in honor of Norway's most famous music, "Folk Troll Metal":


May 16, 2009

Flame War

Voices in our heads, we all have them, and some of us even give them names. Some of us hear our parents’ voices “Never run with scissors,” “Don’t pet the dog in the wrong direction,” “Putting a dozen eggs in the microwave won’t make Gozer appear in the fridge….” Sometimes we hear a guy named Jimmy who sounds like he’s from Kentucky and he tells us to put a stick of butter under our pillows, and some of us call those voices God. Joan of Arc was one of the latter ones, and her inner ear deity told her to invent Bacon-Henge, create a super army of well-dressed robots, and go out and fight the British. “The British are Britishing up France, please hack them up,” God would say in the voice of Vicki, the Small Wonder robot, and so choppity chop she would go. Unfortunately, she forgot about parts one and two. She hacked and slashed her way right into an English jail cell, and explained to them all about her voices, but the British were pissed about the lack of bacon-henge and fashion-forward mechanical men, so they barbequed her. The people who tried her thought she was insane, but if voices in your head and insatiable blood lust are wrong, I don’t want to be right. She would later be thought of by France as a heroine, and then by the Catholic Church as a saint (which is their own personal brand of heroine.) On this date in 1920, the Catholic Church Canonized her, and although I’m not sure what that means, I hope in the near future she can be Vulcanized and Simonized.

May 15, 2009

Happy Día del Maestro, Mexico!

Today is Teachers Day in Mexico, a chance to celebrate the important profession of teaching with our wonderful downstairs neighbors, the Thunder from not-quite-so Down Under, who have asked that we stop stomping around quite so much it's giving them a headache. In honor of this holiday, I'll be using babelfish to write the rest of my post in Spanish! So come all ye faithful, celebrate with me, do a little dance, fiesta then siesta as we shout out to the streets of Mexico: Dia Feliz de los Maestros!!

Celebramos hoy la ciudad de México una exposición maravillosa del esplendor que viaja entre historia la buena voluntad de generaciones de piano y de tuba de enseñanza también.

La liga de lucha del mundo es un establecimiento orgulloso que no hace no toma ninguÌn gumption de ningunas muchachas de la mariquita que intentan pensar que son mejores que ellos. La buena voluntad de enseñar eso habita todos nosotros en las Américas es una cuál se debe celebrar concurrentemente. Financie su coche con garantizado ABRIL del 12 por ciento por un tiempo limitado solamente. El continente hermoso de los deseos de África solamente tenía vídeos de esta muchos rotura de resorte.

In honor of Dia del Maestro, I'm going to buy myself a delicious carne asada burrito today and explain it to a friend who is willing to listen. And before he runs off to buy a carne asada burrito of his own, enriched in the teachings I have successfully passed on, I'll explain to him one last thing: Teachers are our Amigos. Happy Teachers Day, Mexico!

May 14, 2009

Welcome to Jamesvilletonburgtown

Jamesburg, Jamesville, Jamesdale, Jameston, JAMESTOWN!  That's the ticket! 

A new life awaits you in the off-Britain colonies!  The chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!   

Regarded as the first English settlement in America after the lost and forsaken Roanoke Colony, Jamestown was settled on May 14, 1607, 403 years ago to this day; Maybe even to this second! The settlement was named after this boy and his comedic nightmares, NOT King James I of England - a common misunderstanding.  Anyways, the location of Jamestown was chosen for strategic defensive purposes against any attacks by sea.  However, the area was plagued by mosquitoes, offered undrinkable water, limited farming, and happened to be inhabited by Native-Americans (all minor setbacks).  Tobacco got the colony off the ground and then Pocahontas came along, looking all "available", and the rest is horrifyingly brutal history, which I won't bore you with now.  Let's just say there was a little of this, a little of that, and now here we are - a perfect amalgamation of everything our forefathers stood for in principal and in action: PATRIOTS!

May 13, 2009


This day in 1958, zippers are sent to the locker room crying over the patent filing of the vastly superior fastening device, Velcro. Hip Hop pioneer George de Mestral (which translates roughly to George of the Mestral) was sitting in his home imitating the fresh sound of the record scratch on his zip up hoodie when he realized he needed more bounce to his ounce. His longstanding rivalry with zipper inventor Whitcomb L. Judson (which translates in Urdu to Biz Markie) had him completely vexed as to how he could throw down against this long standing scratch master. One morning George was doing laundry and mistook a sheet of sandpaper for a sheet of downy fresh scent and as he removed his favorite Christmas sweater from the laundry he found the sandpaper stuck and pulled it free. The sound that would ensue made his hackles stand on end and he knew a star was born. Aside from totally killing within the underground shoe beat-off community, Velcro would end up dominating shoe closures in the 80’s. This would culminate with the materials ability to cloak small coin pouches in shoes, allowing nerds the world over to finally avoid losing their milk money.

May 12, 2009

Mr. McTwist Gleams the 41st Cube!

Tony Hawk, the American Skateboard Superstar (and not Tony Hawks, British Comedian or Tony Hawke, New Zealand Basketball Player) turns 41 today. Born May 12, 1968 in San Diego, California, Tony "Machismo" Hawk is arguably the most famous skateboarder of all time. Tony Hawks, British Comedian, is 49 and has written several books, including The Fridge Hiker's Guide to Life. Tony Hawke, NZ athlete, is 26 and played for the Canterbury Rams in New Zealand's National Basketball League. Neither are arguably the most famous in their fields.

Let's focus on the birthday boy:

Tony Hawk's skateboarding career kicked off in San Diego, CA, where he was grinding along as a dim-witted gardener. One day, while cutting grass, he was coaxed into the basement of a client, Pierce Brosnan. His life would never be the same. Pierce was working on a scientific experiment that would potentially make people smarter by plugging them into a computer. Just as he was plugging Tony in, a small kid came down the stairs on a small wooden scooter. Pierce, furious at the interruption, threw an air conditioning unit that barely missed the kid, knocked the handle off the scooter, and knocked the remaining bit, a flat board with wheels on it, onto Tony's lap. The kid scrambled away, back up the stairs, and Pierce stumbled after him, tripped over a wire, and accidentally plugged Tony in. The computer sparked to life, bright flashes emitted from Tony's face, and he was fused with the skateboard. From that point on, he and skateboarding were inseparable.

A few months afterwards, Tony managed to upload himself into the computer system, made everybody's telephone ring, and then made a series of videogames that didn't lose their wow factor until EA was all "SKATE, BITCH." He has been married 3 times in first life and once in second life. He has several kids, a car, and a pet fish. When he is disappointed with himself, he likes to take his trusty cat Zorro up to his room to be by himself.

Tony Hawks, stay funny. Tony Hawke, stay foreign. and Tony Hawk, stay fabulous!

May 11, 2009

Deep Blue makes Kasparov cry

May 11, 1997, super computer IBM "Deep Blue", named after the computer's love for the ocean, beat world chess champion Garry Kasparov in a 6 game match, consisting of 2 wins, 1 loss, and three draws.  Kasparov said "Deep Blue" was cheating and making eyes at him the whole time, but IBM dismantled the machine soon afterwards, purely for gloating rights and a lot of cash.  

Kasparov soon fell into deep depression, became addicted to doughnut holes, started luddite internet groups (he didn't care how ironic it was), and built his own super computer.  

When he really got down, he just had to dance:  

Technology had become his life.  He now looks like this.  

May 10, 2009

And I think it's going to be a long long time...

Based on the tried and true understanding that stronger and more devastating firepower will surely stop future military conflicts, the V-2 Rocket is successfully launched for the first time on May 10, 1946. Inspiration for the song "Rocket Man"is born!  The unsuccessful V-2 launches and explosions will not be discussed.  

Say goodnight "tough times!"  Say hello, "super power!"

May 9, 2009

Gone Fishin'

Foreverkins has gone fishing today. Enjoy your Saturday, everybody!

May 8, 2009

Hard Hat Riot

May 8th, 1970: Downtown New York City, where over 200 blue-collar construction workers attack students staging an anti-war rally and Kent State memorial, while police do nothing.

Earlier in the month, on May 4th, 1970, the Kent State shootings took place.  A memorial was held on Wall Street on May 8th, which became a politically charged protest of the Vietnam War.  The construction workers came towards the protest apparently from four different directions.  Damn.  A police line was soon breached and the protesters were then beaten severely (some with clubs and crowbars) by the construction workers.  THEN the construction workers, still filled with adrenaline and manly machismo from a jerky high, went to City Hall, Trinity Church and nearby Pace University, where they rioted and demanded flags be raised to full mast instead half mast (half mast was in honor of the Kent State shootings). They probably thought the shootings were justified and the necessary consequences of not beefing up, getting some rubber balls to hang from the back of your 4x4, and wearing American flag clothing.  Only 6 people were arrested. 

Now, don't get me wrong, some of my best friends work in the construction industry.  However, none of them look like this asshole.  

If you feel this post is maybe too biased towards a "left-wing" point of view, you'll probably love this site, made just for you: Come on!

May 7, 2009

National Day of Prayer

The National Day of Prayer is a US tradition where people of various belief systems are asked to come together and pray, especially for the well being of their country. The first instance was in 1775, when the Continental Congress was working together to form the United States, and asked the people of the 13 colonies for their prayers to help in forming a new nation, and also for the witches to cast special magic to protect our new land from the warlocks of evil. It was a floating holiday, designated by the acting president for years, until Ronald Reagan decided in 1988 that it would take place on the first Thursday of May each year.

The National Day of Reason is another US tradition which happens to fall on the same day as the National Day of Prayer! The National Day of Reason honors the firm belief that church and state should not dance pretty together in the streets of congress, and nicely tries to point out that these crying Christians with their magic clasped hands and undelivered communications are really only seeking to serve their own faith and give it more relevance than it already doesn't have. Their proof: The National Day of Prayer task force, a non-governmental organization seeking to coordinate events within the evangelical communities. "BS!" cry the Reasonettes.

The National Day of Magic is a fictional holiday founded by the best magic wizards this side of Hogwarts school of awesome spells. This holiday also falls on the first Thursday of May and is celebrated with great gusto by my friends and I and a 12 pack of beer, and our books of magic (the new ones that my mom printed because the old ones got kool-aid on them). We didn't want to let witches in at first but my mom said we had to, so now we do, and they're actually really nice people when they aren't making curses that make you fart when you walk or turn into a donkey.

America, the time is now: PRAY / REASON / CAST A SPELL!