April 18, 2009

'dems Brits be comin!

During the American Revolutionary War, we all remember reading about Paul Revere's famous "Midnight Ride", in which he warned the "Yanks" that "the British are coming!"  This particular event happened on April 18, 1775, and involved Paul Revere and William Dawes riding from Boston to Lexington to warn John Hancock and Samuel Adams of the advances of the British Army and their intention of arresting them and seizing the weapons stores in Concord.  At least that's what the history books want you to believe.  I heard from a homeless man on a street corner that Revere was a member of Sons of Liberty, a gay nightclub just outside of Boston, and he worried that the British might arrest Hancock and Adams, the nightclub owners, and rode to Lexington with a furosity he usually reserved for "Bear Night" at the Sons of Liberty.  However, the term "Midnight Ride" was a historically correct label, as Revere often cruised the streets around that time with Dawes - looking for "you know what".  Yeah, that's right, SEX!  In addition, Paul and William both had extensive DJ experience, and were able to use their recognizable and perfectly timed sound effects to awaken the sleeping masses from their slumber.

Long story short:
After some rambling about the apocalypse and insipid tourettes-style cursing at a passing car (he kept yelling "fuck you, punk!"), the homeless man concluded his story/tirade with: "So, you see, Revere became famous because Dawes wasn't as flamboyant or as much of a whore, and Dawes was also a Nazi".  I don't know if it was the stench of bad breath and Miller High Life, or the tart and lingering smell of his body odor that convinced me, but I believed every word he was able to barely, incomprehensibly mutter, and I still do to this day.  I tend to have a soft spot in my heart for the whack-jobs of the world.

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