May 19, 2009

Anybody Want A Peanut?

May 19th 1946 the most horrifying screams ever heard signify the birth of André René Roussimoff , AKA Monster Eiffel Tower, AKA Andre the Giant. Like all giants before him, Andre was chased from his village with flaming sticks. He packed up four of the most fertile village girls he could find, and struck out for other lands to crush. By the time he reached the United States, he stood at 7’4” and weighed 500 pounds. Andre the Giant was so big when he walked by the Empire State Building, Bi-Planes would just show up and start shooting at him, he was so big, one time he was riding in one of those clown cars and only one of him climbed out, his momma was so fat, when she sat around the house… wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Andre was a Pro wrestler in the WWF, which meant he had some awesome toys made in his image. Everybody wanted to be part of his posse, but some weren’t happy with simple posse member status, Billy Crystal tried to buy him as a slave, and when he was told about the laws prohibiting slavery, he had to settle on making a movie about owning him called “My Giant”. The most tragic fact of his too short life, was that the obesity craze hadn’t hit America yet, so Andre never got to live in a world where he could just go to TGI Fridays and order one meal and be full. He may have played a villain in the ring, but he was actually a giant of love.

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