May 16, 2009

Flame War

Voices in our heads, we all have them, and some of us even give them names. Some of us hear our parents’ voices “Never run with scissors,” “Don’t pet the dog in the wrong direction,” “Putting a dozen eggs in the microwave won’t make Gozer appear in the fridge….” Sometimes we hear a guy named Jimmy who sounds like he’s from Kentucky and he tells us to put a stick of butter under our pillows, and some of us call those voices God. Joan of Arc was one of the latter ones, and her inner ear deity told her to invent Bacon-Henge, create a super army of well-dressed robots, and go out and fight the British. “The British are Britishing up France, please hack them up,” God would say in the voice of Vicki, the Small Wonder robot, and so choppity chop she would go. Unfortunately, she forgot about parts one and two. She hacked and slashed her way right into an English jail cell, and explained to them all about her voices, but the British were pissed about the lack of bacon-henge and fashion-forward mechanical men, so they barbequed her. The people who tried her thought she was insane, but if voices in your head and insatiable blood lust are wrong, I don’t want to be right. She would later be thought of by France as a heroine, and then by the Catholic Church as a saint (which is their own personal brand of heroine.) On this date in 1920, the Catholic Church Canonized her, and although I’m not sure what that means, I hope in the near future she can be Vulcanized and Simonized.

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