Explorer I, where are you?

May 23, 1958: Death of Explorer I, the first satellite ever deployed by the United States.  Due to battery failure and loneliness, Explorer I gave up without a fight.  Sputnik I and II had been launched in 1957 by the Soviets and the U.S. wanted their own piece of the atmospheric pie, so they revitalized Project Orbiter and shot Explorer I into space. The satellite stayed in orbit for nearly 12 years after it ceased transmissions, which meant it became space litter soon after it was launched.  It might have been the source of UFO sightings in the sky, when few people knew that satellites could be seen moving in the atmosphere on clear, dark nights or during very clear days.  

One man, Earl McFeebleson, said he remembered seeing strange lights moving through the sky on May 1, 1958.  He then noticed his microwave emitting fumes and his car radio playing strange music, which he thinks was due to electrical interference sent down by the unidentified flying object.  Earl said he new it wasn't a satellite because he had really good vision and could see the aliens in the cockpit, with their tentacles and hideous features.  Earl's state of mind that day was dismissed as ignorant and confused bullshit, but many believed they too had seen the same UFO on many different occasions.  Even though satellites very well could have been what these hillbillies saw, they often believed their outrageous stories were further supported by strange markings that would sometimes appear on their bodies after the sightings or a rough night of drinking.  Babies also had markings.  All of these cases involved alien abduction reports and usually included some aspect of anal probing for maximum authenticity when recalling their stories to police.  It has since been confirmed that hillbillies and the mentally unstable believe that "alien's love asses just as much as anyone else", which is why they surely must have got busy with human asses during their sexy abductions; "It just makes sense", said McFeebleson, as he demonstrated his reasoning with props and hand-made examples of the alien tools, which he called "Anus Wranglers" or "A-RODS" for short.     

I apologize for the slightly juvenile references, but I don't apologize for this.